So God broke the hinge right off the door of my single chick cage and rushed in and saved me! Like a superhero! .... He saved me from myself and the twisted thoughts, smoke and mirrors, the devil was using to make me think I was useless, hopeless, and that it was all God's fault or mine.
God only rushes in when we give him permission. He will stand at the door of our hearts and knock, sing, talk to us, and even shove notes under the door to try and show us some glimpse of Himself. But a lot of times the devil keep us distracted and uses all kind of things to warp our view of who God is and who we are.
That year after my best and last friend got married, I cried, and cried, and cried....... and Cried over and over. I felt so left behind. As a girl in your 30's, if you want the dream of husband and family, you start counting off the years you might have left. I tried not to be THAT girl, the one that is always worried about the bio-clock, but it's hard not to when you are so longing for companionship and the joy of kids.
God Bless my friend she knew under the surface I was struggling, and she would just barely say something about it and I'd burst into tears. Deep down my heart was breaking, time was winding out, and the pain was nearly unbearable. I was reaching my boiling point.
I would go to work listless, no purpose, feeling burnt out. Now I am a health care provider and see patients all day. I enjoy my job and want to do good, be professional, and helpful. But this pain and anger was starting to come out in ugly ways with my patients and co-workers. I was very thoughtless and mean. I had one patient walk out on me because I was so rude and so totally focused on myself and my own inconvenience and stress of the day. I was turning into someone I swore I'd never be.
To add to it we had 2 deaths in our family and my dad was hospitalized and fighting to live. The perfect storm was brewing and I was about to hit critical mass. I felt like my life was imploding, every aspect of my life I held dear, every rug that I stood on that helped me feel good about myself was getting pulled out from under me.
So by end of the summer I had lost respect at my job, I was buried in grief, and was so angry I couldn't see straight. The devil was continuing his game of smoke and mirrors, telling me "see I told you aren't good enough. You'll never be good enough. You can't even be cordial to your patients, you are getting in trouble at work. If God really loved you He would give you what you want and keep these things from happening. You are going to loose everything, because you can't keep it together and God doesn't care."
That was not what was happening at all.... We build these walls.... You know what I'm talking about.... you know the ones that try and protect us from Aunt Mable chewing us out over our boyfriend or job. The ones that protect us from some overly critical person at church, a cranky co-worker, or thoughtless neighbor. The walls that help hide our insecurities and fears and make us feel important. The thing is, we, through sin and our fear, make our own prisons brick by brick as the devil slaps on the mortar with glee.
God was breaking down my fortress, because He knew I was getting close to hearing Him and saying "Help, I give up, Save me" and then He could bust in and be my Savior! Shining cape and all :)
This experience has helped me see so much of the negative things we think about ourselves and others are totally smoke and mirrors. The devil is the master of illusion and he will do anything to keep us from seeing the truth of our loving, ever ready to save us God. This revelation was very powerful. It made me realize all this crap about myself and God I was buying into is all lies! Everything good comes from God. Everything else is from the devil and sin.... Smoke and Mirrors. When you know this in your heart the devil loses His power and God can rush in!
So God broke the hinge right off the door of my single chick cage and rushed in and saved me! Like a superhero!
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