"Ditto Cabbage Head"

Since I was a little kid, my Grandma and I had a great relationship.  She and I were cut from the same cloth.  She was a perceptive feeling kind of person like me and we spoke the same language of the heart.  She would let me sit on her lap and tell her all about what was going on in my small little world and listen with intense interest when I was small.  And as I got older, she would take me to our favorite little Victorian tea house for pasta salad and hot chocolate (we didn't like tea, but loved the ambiance :))  After we would get done talking she would say "Well, now we have solved the worlds problems."  With a smile that warmed my heart.

I have always been a pretty emotional kid. Very sensitive and very effected by my environment. My parents never seemed to be able to relate to that and as I got older it became a point of tension and made me feel crazy and odd. But my Grandma always had a way of helping me feel okay and understood. God bless all the grandmas out there that help their grandchildren feel loved.

I would tell her I loved her from when I was little kid till the last time I talked with her just 2 short years ago. And many a time she would say "ditto cabbage head"  She is gone now, but I can still hear her say it, and I feel the warmth of her love for me.  Her legacy lives on in my heart.

My mom and dad were in a bad relationship with each other full of abuse, yelling, manipulation, and eventually it turned into divorce.  During that time and even as an adult trying to find my way, my Grandma continued to share in my joys, pain, tears, and laughter, cheering me on and being the solace in the storm.

Who are the women in your life that have taken you under their wing and loved you? Who took the time to understand you in your life? God brought that person, placed that person with you at just the right time, with just the right gifts to speak to your heart in your time of need.  It was not by some random chance.

There is a promise in Philippians 4:19
"And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus."

He knows our needs and He knows how to meet those needs at just the right time with just the right person.  It's His way of saying He loves us with an unfailing love.

What kind of gift can you be to someone in your life because of God's love in you? Or Maybe, you just realized who that person is in your life is a gift from God.  Awesome Right! You didn't have to say or do anything first, He already said "Ditto Cabbage Head" "I love you too".

No to the Faux and Yes to Love

In every single's life there is probably one thing we use to try and fill the void of family or spouse.  I am confessing I have a problem with TV.  It isn't as bad as I used to be back in college. Back then, when I got lonely I bought up stock at the video rental of romantic comedies and would repeatedly watch them over and over.  In fact, once I found out buying DVD's was a cheaper way of re-watching, I kinda went crazy.

One of the one's that was my favorite was You've Got Mail with Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks. And if you are a single girl with any romantic sensibility and haven't seen it I might need to check your pulse or something :)  It is amazing! :)  But I literally have watched it over 300 times.  In fact there were weekends I watched it 6 times in a row!

I have other favorites too that I have watched a bunch too. When Harry Met Sally, Six Day's Seven Nights, Pride and Prejudice, and The Wedding Singer to name just a few.  Red Box and I have had way too special a relationship.   Instead of seeking real connection in my loneliness I sought out the comfort of predictable stories that always have a happy endings.

How much time did I waste watching these movies? Now its not that I just always ignored others and camped out with my movies all the time, although sometimes I did in my introverted way.  A lot of times it was just I was lonely and none of my friends were free.  But It became a habit that soon became a time sucking monster, and always put me in a funk afterward. Mainly because when it boiled down to it I never really got the guy or got the life I wanted when the movie was over.

So many things in our lives try and distract us and suck up our time and keep us from really finding true connection with others. And as single women especially it can get really hard to find connection.  With today's society and social networks online it can feel even more difficult to really have the meaningful conversations that really help build us up and see purpose past the surface standards that we think we need to live up to.

I pray about this addiction to media nearly daily and ask God to grow Real Connection in my life.  I have my days that its hard and I feel like I'm praying the same thing over and over with little progress.  I am definitely different from my college days, and even since last year when I started praying about this.  Slowly but surely God is changing my heart and most days I watch an hour or less of TV, and more time spent in Real connection with God or friends. 

I decided to say No to the Faux romance and Yes to the Real lover of my soul and real relationships.  The Real knight in shining armor that fought to the death for me and you!

Romans 5:8 is a testament to this:
But God demonstrates his own love for us in this:While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
 
Say no to the Faux and Yes to Real love of your life Jesus! The Happy Ending of love in your heart is a sure thing!

Crumbs and Casting

Being single was hard for me today.  It started out okay but then I started to go through some old photo's of my brother and family when we were kids.  I didn't feel it right away, it just slowly ate at me all day. Then I went to this group I go to 2 times a month, things started to unravel for me.

The group is called Missional Community, and it was fine, I love it . It is a group of christian people in a neighborhood that come together, study the Bible, and focus on service to the community in some way.  Examples, are going to sing at the nursing home, collecting clothes for women's shelter, or bagging food for hungry kids in to take home for weekend. Being with everyone tonight just got to me a little as far as family.

Everyone there, is married with kids. And when I say kids, I mean TON's of kids there is easy more kids than adults and the adults average about 15.  Most times I'm fine, I think tonight after looking at the family pics, subconsciously  it was getting to me that my family is in a big fight right now, and I don't have family of my own. (husband and kids)

Hence, my singleness got to me.  So cried on the way home just cause I long for my family to be healed and for just wishing for connection in this way.  Sometimes, I feel like I get the crumbs.  As a single I long for connection with others, but usually it is what is left after kids and spouses.  And rightly so, but it is hard because a single doesn't come first much to anyone.

I don't need to be the center of attention and neither do I want to be. But I do need connection in more than just a surface way as all singles do. God is this for me most times, but it it is still normal feel this way and important to acknowledge our sadness and hurt.  It opens the door for God to come in and heal us and speak into our hearts His unfailing love.

So yes I cried and am sad for circumstances now in my life, but on my way home the rain seemed to soothe me and God began gently comforting this hurting girl's heart.

1 Peter 5:7 says:
 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

I know God loves me and wants good things for me. So I cast my struggles on Him. As I get ready for bed restfulness and peace come back over me and I feel His gentle hand calming my heart.  I love my God!
He can do the same for you. Will you let Him in?

Spring Cleaning and a Homeless Man

So recently at my church there was a prayer conference. A pastor that has made it his mission to learn more about prayer.  I really enjoyed it and learned so much.  I had already started praying on my drives to work, because it is such an easy time to talk to God.  I usually have a long commute most days, so it is perfect.

This pastor was talking about taking time to really clear the path between you and God in prayer, before going through your prayer list or requests.  He made the suggestion to open up to God and pray for forgiveness.  He stated it really changed His prayer life. He said it helped him hear God more and be driven more by the Holy Spirit when the need presents itself.

It really made sense to me. So I have been doing this.  I want to hear God's voice more, especially in the moment, so when God brings someone in my way to help, I'm totally tuned in and can be the help needed.  I'm sure there are times when I do something and never know if I helped someone or not but there are times that can give us a glimpse that we heard God, obeyed, and God blessed.

This week I had a day where I had prayed more about this.  And in the evening, I saw a guy just wandering behind a fast food restaurant.  He was walking in kind of a listless way and seemed a little off.  I hadn't planned on driving that direction but I saw this gentlemen. As I pulled near him, I just felt like I should ask if he was alright.  The guy looked at me and then in my car and said "actually I could use something to eat, could you spare a little"

Now this guy was in a part of town that is not at all homeless central.  Our little section of town is anything but.  He was walking back behind the restaurant not close to a street like most do to beg.  For a moment, I thought what am I doing? Then I looked into his eyes and realized, maybe I was suppose to be here for this guy right here right now.  So I pulled out my cash and gave it to him.  He graciously thanked me and bowed his head in a respectful nod and kept walking.

I know some people think you shouldn't give cash like that, because maybe it would feed a drinking habit.  I don't know about this guy. It might have.  Or it might have been a good thing especially when I think about the timing and circumstances. I hope that he was able to have a good meal that night and feel blessed.

Looking on it now I wonder if I could have done more or should have done something else, but maybe this was God's way of showing me how to listen and read the signs.  So I keep praying to clear the space between God and my heart so I can hear better.  Next time maybe I will know what more I can do, but I do feel it was a step closer to hearing God and being ready to serve.

So I guess looking at the prayer thing, it is kinda like spring cleaning only every day. It cleans the sins and junk of our lives so that it doesn't bog us down, cloud our vision, and jumble up communication with God.  It keeps the devil from getting that little edge to pull us away.  If we continue giving these things up to God, the devil looses his power over us and we are more free to hear God speak and have His Spirit poured out on us.

So God bless that homeless man out there.  I added him to my prayers. And I pray, I get better at hearing God to know how to do more when the moments come up like this one.  

Need some spring cleaning? Wanting to hear Him more? Or maybe you're feeling homeless? Ask God to cleanse you with His wonderful powerful forgiveness and feel Him wash over you, speak to you, and give you a home of peace in your heart. 

God Winks

So one of my co-workers from my last job, has turned into one of my dearest kindred spirits when it comes to God.  She has let me whine and complain and cry on her shoulder many a time over my pity party about being single and kid-less.  I will admit there was a time or two I wanted to punch her. Like when she would say stuff like "Maybe God's mission for your life is to be the bright light in your niece and nephew's lives, rather than have a family of your own."  But honestly, she could be right. Now I can embrace it, but back then it just seemed like a pathetic reason, AND from a married person, that I might add, really didn't care to get married. Yeah I know right!

I appreciate her sticking by me despite my cranky thoughts and loving me anyway.  She, through her own journey, has been a great witness to me.  She is an emotional person that is a perfectionist and can be overly self critical too sometimes like me.  Over a 2 year span I watched her go from a very wind blown person with her emotions, very anxious, to a much calmer happier person.  It was beautiful really and continues to bless me through her friendship.

She started saying "Oh what a God wink!" at work.  So I asked her what that meant. She said it is when God does something good especially for you.  She had read a book by Squire Rushnell called When God Winks at You.  It is a book about how God winks at us through things that most people chalk up to coincidence.  When I was going through my major melt down in 2012 she gave it to me.

We both started having fun paying attention in the day and calling out to each other when we had a God Wink. Anything Good out of the ordinary, would qualify and that would helps us through the day.  An example would be a cancellation on our schedule when we were buried in paperwork or a compliment from the usual cranky co-worker down the hall.

God loves communicating with us and He will try and find anyway possible way He can that will make sense to us. A lot of times, in a very unique and meaningful way personally.  One example this week for me was a note on the inside of a Dove chocolate wrapper. :) lol yeah sounds crazy I know, but hear me out.

I had been praying that morning that God would show me if I needed to do something different with my life. Different like if I needed to be a missionary or move to another town.  I just have been thinking a lot about being totally submitted to God in everything and willing to go and do anything God wants of me.  I feel sometimes that my life is so easy in many ways here in America or even in my town.

So, anyway, I get to work and part way in the day, after I had nearly forgot my prayer, I open up the wrapper and read "You are exactly where you should be" Love Dove.
I nearly fell out of my chair! Talk about specific and very special answer to my prayer!  The only thing that was misprinted on the wrapper was Love Dove.  It should have been Love God.  I say Major God Wink!

There was a while where I was keeping track of the ones I could remember in a notebook, and there was not a day that went by that I did not have something to write down, many times I have several.  He longs to share special moments like these with us.

So what were your God winks today?  Ask Him for one!  I bet you'll be surprised and amazed at what you learn about how much God loves you.

Frutful with Joy Complete

We all like to matter to someone. Many of us spend a lot of time trying to be significant in some way, either now or for the future.  For a very long time, I tried several ways of trying to accomplish this.  It never really worked out too well. Very self focused.

With this new place that I have found with God, I find I want to be fruitful, leave a legacy that goes beyond myself. People that have done this in incredible ways is Mother Theresa, Nelson Mandela, Martin Luther King, and Joni Eareckson Tada to name a few (those in my profession especially appreciate this lady).  These people have made impacts in the world that continue to ripple and bless others. Some of them long after they are gone. 

I don't expect to be someone high profile like these, but I still want to leave something of beauty, life changing, and eternally meaningful behind.  I want to leave a garden full of flowers, trees, and plants of hearts moved by God that bring their own blessing, love, and peace to others after I'm long gone. 

There is a beautiful section in John I love.  It is a wonderful metaphor for how God works in us to be fruitful. For the length of the blog, I put excerpts not every verse, but if you have time, sooooo worth the full read. :)
 
John 15:1-17.

“I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful....
 “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing....
"This is to my Father’s glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples."
 “As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love....
I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you....
"You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit —fruit that will last—and so that whatever you ask in my name the Father will give you. "

Now, this next little bit is not to necessarily, toot my horn.  I know someone may say this at some point.  I only share this to show how God is changing me, because I would never even think of doing these things in the past, and now I am with joy.

One of the first things that came to my mind to live a life fruitful was to sponsor a child in 3rd world country.  I used to be the one in the Christian concert thinking "Really, again they are begging for money, are you kidding me?" "I'm tired of these guilt trip fests with all the sad eyed kid pictures" I'm sure at least some of us might admit we have thought some or all of these things.

Guilt is not the place that my sponsorship came from.  I had just gotten done reading the book Radical by David Platt, and was completely moved by the idea that God blesses us so that we can bless others.  It's not just about me getting all the material things I want, it is about turning these blessing around for the good of those in need, to change their life for the better and change my heart.

I decided, that if I was possibly not going to get my dream of a husband and kids (PRUNE), maybe, through the blessings God gives me, I could still have kids.  A wall full of pictures of kids around the world that might get a chance to know God and have a better life, because God loves and blessed me.  My heart was so filled and moved, I sponsored a child through world vision (FRUIT).  Of course, knowing me, I had to pick the little guy that looks like he is grumpy. lol :) But you know, praying for him, and looking at his cranky furrowed 5 year old brow, makes me smile and moves my heart.

There are other things that are continuing to move in me that in some ways are already being fruitful.  I may not even know of some of them until heaven. But all of this has changed my focus an perspective of my life here on this planet and what I am really here for. As Jesus promises us in the verse, my joy is complete.

As a single or even just a human on this planet, what blessings does God give you that you can bless someone else?    I Dare ya to share it! :)

Red Bull and Purpose to Chance

Something that I have really noticed as a change, is my level of energy in certain things.

I come from a long line of introverts.  We enjoy helping people to a point but then we must go home and escape.  Every introvert needs some time away from the masses to rejuvenate, but in excess it can consume and isolate them to the detriment of themselves and others.

My Grandfather, even long after he stopped working sat on the porch and read for hours to the point of neglect of meaningful connections.  My uncle buried himself in online role playing for several hours every night to the neglect of meaningful relationship with his family.  And there are others that continue the family tradition of going home and burying themselves in TV, or the computer, or book to "unwind and rest" because they say they are too tired, as time flies and kids grow, and meaningful moments are lost. 

Don't get me wrong, I loved my Grandfather for so many wonderful things we shared and he taught me, and for my uncle as well. I too struggle with wanting to come home and hide in my TV shows or games on my phone.  But I see how this trait over time keeps us buried in our tiredness and not really living the life God so wants for us.

It's not that I don't get tired.  I do.  It's not that I don't watch TV anymore or read books. I do. But I am realizing, that as I turn myself in prayer and worship every day to God, my energy for other things go up despite my day full of people at work.

God has everything we need.  I like to think that He has this humongous bowl of crazy awesomeness He wants to give people that need Him. All we have to do is ask and He takes out his big spoon and fills up our cups with like some really yummy Red Bull with a twist of the Holy Spirit. :) I'm sure it's not Red Bull but you get the picture.

One thing, that has been hard for me is serving others in need like going to a nursing home to sing, or making packages for the homeless, or doing soup kitchen. I always knew I "should do it" but I never really wanted to. It made me tired just thinking about it.  Talking to my neighbors or even giving time to my nieces or nephews after a day at work was like pulling teeth.

God got out His spoon and filled my cup at moments when I just didn't think I'd have it in me.  The more I ask for Him to change me the more I relish in helping others and being open to what opportunity may come my way, that I used to dread.

It becomes addicting watching God work. I just provide the vessel; He does the miracles.  I could of had the roughest night with only 3 hours of sleep and no coffee in the house, and I can walk into a room to see a pt. and BoooYAH! God works!  I'm not sure exactly what I said or did and the pt. is crying and thanking me for saying the exact thing she needed to hear to encourage her in her illness. 

The old me would have been already thinking about lunch, in my head, criticizing the women's outfit that looked like it hadn't been washed for a few weeks, and thinking why in the world was she wearing flip flops in January, seriously?.  I would be distant, try to be polite, and couldn't wait till the evaluation was over so I could attend to me and my tired self.

We are truly His hands and feet to the world, but not because we muster up something inside of us.  We are able to be, because God gives us the energy and the heart to see people through His eyes.  And then as we see Him work  we want to see more and more throughout our day touching hearts and growing meaningful relationships for eternity!

I love this song from Steven Curtis Chapman called  Lord of The Dance.  The chorus words are:

I am the heart, You are the heart beat
I am the eyes, You are the sight
 And I see clearly, I am just a body You are the life
I move my feet, I go through the motions
But You give purpose to chance
I am the dancer, You are the Lord of the dance

I love the line:
I go through the motions, but You give purpose to chance

God give purpose to our daily " by chance" interactions, and we are blown away by the love that pours out to others because we let God work in us.  Not only to the person we are with, but on us too. It gives energy and makes us want more of Him.

I'm kinda liking this not being tired not having to escape thing. You should try it! ;)

Abundantly!

So the last few days, I have been trying to tell my story of Jesus coming into my heart.  It's not the best way of telling it and maybe not the most organized, but I hope there is at least one person out there that can relate and see a glimpse of who God really is.

I know at least for me, the single life, isn't as easy as it may look to outsiders.  I get a lot of people saying "oh honey, never get married, you're the lucky one" or "Must be nice to have all that freedom, tons of time, and do what you want" or "I'd like to sleep in like you can" (usually I get the last one from a lot of mom's my age).   

The grass is always greener....

Yes single women may appear to have many things, but we all need connection.  For those of us that are little more introverted it's harder.  What does it matter if you have extra freedom and free time, if there is no one to share it with? After 30, more and more people your age are hanging with their husbands and rounding up their kids? What fun is it to do what I want by myself most of the time.  I am pretty independent and I don't need someone around all the time, but I still on some days get really lonely. The one comment about sleeping in, is really hard for me to keep from saying something I would regret later, because I would love to have my own little one I needed to get up early for sweet or crabby.

I think the hardest thing has been for me, is the sense that I'm left behind.  And, there are times that I have thought  and felt like a failure as a women. The idea that, I can't catch a good man and I'm running out of time to have kids. I feel like I have nothing to show for myself that has much meaning. I know today in America many find significance in their careers and that is all good.  But for some of us, significance and feeling capable and successful is being able to be what we are uniquely gifted for, for thousands of years.

These things are still in my heart, I still would love to have the opportunity to get married or have kids. But something has changed..... And only by the hand of God.
I long more and more to help others find and know Jesus.

Our vision as singles, can get so narrow that we only see what we don't have, rather than all the blessings God pours out for us.  We struggle to see the bigger picture through God's eyes.  God's plan for us is so much more than what we could ever imagine for ourselves and so much more abundant.

Another thing, I said to God that morning was "Change my heart, I can't do it myself"  I had tried for so long to make myself what I thought I needed to be to live my version of abundantly.  But I finally realized, that all my trying only brought me more misery, restlessness, and emptiness.  I knew the only way I had any chance was to finally admit to God I had nothing left and I could do nothing on my own.

Jesus said in John 10:10 when talking about Himself as the Shepard:

"I came that they may have life and have it abundantly"

The more I ask God to come into my life and change me , even the things I don't really want to change that I know may be wrong, He changes me.  I still want things, but somehow over time the things I want pale in comparison to the things God wants and is showing me. I am discovering life abundantly! (even without a husband and a kid)

I'll let you in on a little secret.  You can too!

Peace Beyond Understanding

One of my favorite verses is Philippians 4: 6-7

• Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus 

It's such a great promise!

I have always been an anxious sort.  I'm a perfectionist, people pleasing, type A.  I'm a perceiving and sensitive person to a fault.  My environment always effects me. Because of this I'm always trying to feel out what is going on around me to prevent conflict or control the environmental factors to stay at peace in myself.  Talk about impossible! And the perfectionist, dials up the anxiety to a whole other level.

The reason this experience with God has changed me so drastically is because I have PEACE.  All the time kind of peace, through Anything.  This is unheard of for a person like me. You could ask 3 decades of people who knew me or know me and they would vouch, that I am, or was, easily agitated and very effected by my surroundings. Even my mother would say I came into the world stressed, because I had colic for 3 months. I'm honestly surprised I'm still here after how my mom describes the sleepless nights and my inconsolable screaming for hours.  :)

After that morning in Dec., my heart is at rest! Even through the bad stuff.  I never had the confidence to share Jesus with anyone before this, because I couldn't figure out why my life as a Christian was any different from anyone else in the world trying to do good.  "So what? I believe in God... is that any different from believing in Santa Clause or Fairy God Mother?" I thought.   But I didn't really believe.... I didn't trust that this God really loved me and was who He said He was.  That morning, I dared to believe He really was a God that loved me and had the power to save me!

Now I have something to share!  Now I get it!  The switch in my heart has been flipped! I now know why true Christians are different!  There are so ways, but the one that made the difference for me was Peace Beyond Understanding.

And I hope you realize that it has been a bit of time from that Dec. 2012 morning.  And I am pleased to report, this peace lives on in my heart EVERY DAY! Yes I said EVERY DAY! For any of you anxious type A sisters out there, you know what a miracle that is! Its like spending your whole life trying to breath with a paper bag over your head and then suddenly its removed and you can Breath!

Obviously my life is not perfect and I still get sad about things in my life, but I'm not afraid anymore.  As long as I turn my face to God every day, peace lives on.

This has been tested in a huge way over the last year.  I was starting a life of prayer, praying every day for my family.  And shortly after, a huge family fight broke out between my folks and my brother.  It started a family rift that has been going on for over a year.

We live in the same neighborhood. I live up the street from my brother, and my folks live one street over. So there is no escaping this. My family is small.  They are all I have.  As a single chick with a small family, this kind of thing hits way hard.  We were pretty tight knit. Grandparents taking kids to church and helping kids go to school and babysitting 1 to several day's in the week.  Suddenly came to a screeching halt and major conflict.

It has gotten to the point that my folks don't go to church to avoid the kids and not upset my brother, and my brother forbids the kids to talk to their grandparents.

Normally I would be in shambles, my family is everything to me. But I have peace.  It has made me press into God hard, but I know He is working.  With new eyes I see His hand removing  generations of bad communication and abuse from our family.  It looks bad from the outside, but if God can change my anxious heart He can save my family.  It is forcing all of us to rethink what is really important.  And I still have peace.

God has carried me through some of the most difficult times through this whole thing. There has been moments I thought I was going to be excommunicated from one side or the other  due to me trying to keep bringing the kids to church.  But my loving God carries me and is pulling my family to Him through this experience.  I still have peace.

After He is crucified and raised from the dead, Jesus Says to His disciples, showing Himself to them for the first time.  "Peace be with you!"  John 20:19  He says it twice actually, and the breaths the Holy Spirit on them so they can tell and show the world His great love!

So this single girl, is telling you, whoever you are, on this day of Jesus Resurrection, You can have Peace! Real Peace beyond your understanding EVERY DAY!  The kind that sets you free from anxiety and fear and gives you new breath, (the Holy Spirit), from God! Even in the most trying times. You can have a New Life Full Of Peace!  Don't we all need that?

Smoke and Mirrors, and a SuperHero

So God broke the hinge right off the door of my single chick cage and rushed in and saved me! Like a superhero!  .... He saved me from myself and the twisted thoughts, smoke and mirrors, the devil was using to make me think I was useless, hopeless, and that it was all God's fault or mine.

God only rushes in when we give him permission.  He will stand at the door of our hearts and knock, sing, talk to us, and even shove notes under the door to try and show us some glimpse of Himself.  But a lot of times the devil keep us distracted and uses all kind of things to warp our view of who God is and who we are.

That year after my best and last friend got married,  I cried, and cried, and cried....... and Cried over and over. I felt so left behind. As a girl in your 30's, if you want the dream of husband and family, you start counting off the years you might have left.  I tried not to be THAT girl, the one that is always worried about the bio-clock, but it's hard not to when you are so longing for companionship and the joy of kids.

God Bless my friend she knew under the surface I was struggling, and she would just barely say something about it and I'd burst into tears.  Deep down my heart was breaking, time was winding out, and the pain was nearly unbearable.  I was reaching my boiling point. 

I would go to work listless, no purpose, feeling burnt out.  Now I am a health care provider and see patients all day. I enjoy my job and want to do good, be professional, and helpful.  But this pain and anger was starting to come out in ugly ways with my patients and co-workers.  I was very thoughtless and mean.  I had one patient walk out on me because I was so rude and so totally focused on myself and my own inconvenience and stress of the day.  I was turning into someone I swore I'd never be.

To add to it we had 2 deaths in our family and my dad was hospitalized and fighting to live. The perfect storm was brewing and I was about to hit critical mass.  I felt like my life was imploding, every aspect of my life I held dear, every rug that I stood on that helped me feel good about myself was getting pulled out from under me.

So by end of the summer I had lost respect at my job, I was buried in grief, and was so angry I couldn't see straight.  The devil was continuing his game of smoke and mirrors, telling me "see I told you aren't good enough. You'll never be good enough. You can't even be cordial to your patients, you are getting in trouble at work.  If God really loved you He would give you what you want and keep these things from happening. You are going to loose everything, because you can't keep it together and God doesn't care."

That was not what was happening at all.... We build these walls.... You know what I'm talking about.... you know the ones that try and protect us from Aunt Mable chewing us out over our boyfriend or job. The ones that protect us from some overly critical person at church, a cranky co-worker, or thoughtless neighbor. The walls that help hide our insecurities and fears and make us feel important. The thing is, we, through sin and our fear, make our own prisons brick by brick as the devil slaps on the mortar with glee.

God was breaking down my fortress,  because He knew I was getting close to hearing Him and saying "Help, I give up, Save me" and then He could bust in and be my Savior! Shining cape and all :)

This experience has helped me see so much of the negative things we think about ourselves and others are totally smoke and mirrors.  The devil is the master of illusion and he will do anything to keep us from seeing the truth of our loving, ever ready to save us God.  This revelation was very powerful.  It made me realize all this crap about myself and God I was buying into is all lies!  Everything good comes from God.  Everything else is from the devil and sin.... Smoke and Mirrors.  When you know this in your heart the devil loses His power and God can rush in!

So God broke the hinge right off the door of my single chick cage and rushed in and saved me! Like a superhero! 

The Single Part

So being single is where I start because this is the hinge of this change in me....
I am nearly 40  and since I was little I always dreamed of the day I would find the man of my dreams and have kids.  I have never been the career driven girl. I thought I was doing all the right things to be good, please your family, get good grades.... check, check, check.

This drove my life.  I thought if I got the right combination then God would give me the good stuff.... my Cinderella story.  After all this is America right? I didn't need a fancy house or lots of money just a great guy and nice family and if God saw fit a picket fence maybe a dog and definitely a cat :)

For years, I kept up hope and just thought to myself "there must be something wrong with me".  So I diligently went about trying to fix myself somehow. I went to counselor  after counselor and tried through religion to "get it right"  I'm a get things done kind a girl. If I decide it needs to get done, I hunker down and go full throttle. :) Kind of like my mom's side of the family they come from sturdy Norwegian stock with a dash of German. You know those Farmer types.  Need I say more.... :) I think they coined the phrase "Day light's a burning"  Hence we are like tall, blue eyed, bulldozers with 2 speeds off and 90 mph :)

I laugh, but sometimes this way of thinking is very caustic. Don't get me wrong it is a good trait to have for lots of things in life, but used in the wrong context, it can be beyond toxic.  It was for me.   I was getting to the point I was vacillating between emotionally self flogging, to shaking my fist a God for holding out on me. I sat around an watched year after year friend after friend get married and then kids and I felt like the train is leaving and I'm not on it! Like a bad dream where you try to run or yell and you can't.  Somehow you are tied down or feet are full of lead or your mouth won't move.

Couple years ago my dearest best friend finally tied the knot. She was the last of my friends that was single and I felt like maybe she might be like me and we would hang tough together.  Not that I didn't want her to get married but we were both well into our 30's and figured chances were getting smaller, that maybe at least someone would be stuck in my corner with me. Then she found him..... the minute I met him, I knew he was the one for her.  And when they got married my anger with God reached a level only dog's could hear.
I put on a good face for my friend, but inside my pot of emotions just got flipped to high and I would soon boil over.

Only God knows how to take us to the breaking point without crushing us.  In my narrow vision I could only see how everyone else was getting what I so desperately wanted and honestly what I thought I deserved! I was fixing myself really hard! that should count for something Right?! God knows all about my hunkering death grips on things. He knows that sometimes the only way I'll stop and listen is to turn up the temperature till it is too painful to hold on anymore.

It was super painful and the scar still hurts sometimes, but it was soooooooooooo worth it to let go!  So one dark morning on in the parking lot at work in Dec. 2012, I let go..... I told God "I give up..... You say you love me just as I am, I don't have to fix myself, you will heal me.  I believe and give up!"  Then peace washed over me!

So if you are relating, I'm the chick on the other side of this lonely pile of trash or tunnel or whatever place you're at.  Let go! That death grip will bring just that.... Death.... to every good healthy thing in your heart and it will poison you for the rest of your life.  It will destroy everything you care about and Take You Down.  This is what the devil wants.  Don't let him win. Let Go! and find our Beautiful Savior and peace! 

The Beginning

So I feel God nudging me to write.  Not sure why, because I'm no expert or have anything that earth shattering in itself to share... except my experience and journey with God as a single chick.  I would call myself a christian my whole life. I have grown up in church and lived a "Good Christian Life" but I hadn't really let God in completely till ~ Dec 2012.  I have that little ~ symbol because I'm not sure the exact day.  If I count back the event's I might get close, but it is more about what happened than the exact day that it happened.  However, my life was changed and now I am different. I'm NOT perfect but totally changed and now I am driven by other things in my life than I ever was before.  So I guess the plan of this blog is to share my story and tell what God has done in my life as a single girl.  So this is The Beginning.... the truth, the real, and journey of God and this single chick for God's Glory. Amen.