Disappointment: Pain

Another question that I'm sure at one point or an other we have thought these things. "God why all this pain?"  "Why must I endure and suffer all this pain?" "Why must the world suffer all this pain?" "Being a all loving God how can you watch all this pain and not do something?" I know I have thought this things, and I can probably put money on the fact I will probably think it again at some point.  

I had one person say to me one time "How can God look into the face of an innocent child and not save them from pain and suffering?"  " How could He not rush to help them?" "How could He let such awful things happen to then?" Honestly in that moment I had no idea what to say.  When we think about it don't all of us in some way want to scream this from the top of our lungs some times too.  "How can you let such evil happen God?"

There are 2 things that I have come to understand a little better in my search to understand disappointment with God and pain.  The first thing is that if we have all powerful God and a all loving God to the purest sense, then we have one thing for sure.  This one thing is that Love in its most purest form is not coercive.  Now if someone would ask me if love was coercive I would obviously say no, but I will have to give credit for this thought and say I heard this idea from a wonderful sermon from Ty Gibson called, Through Tears.

True an utter love is not coercive.  True love is not generated by coercive tactics.  You can't hold someone at gun point and say "love me!" and suddenly their heart goes a flutter for you.  Their heart my flutter for sure out of fear, and they might even say they love you, but they would not Really love you. If you really want someone to truly love you, you have to show love to them and try and draw them by your love.  You have to give them freedom right?

If true love requires freedom then there has to be choice. There has to be an option to walk the other way away from love.  You could love someone soooo much and long for them to love you and do all these great things for them, but they could still choose to walk away from you.  So then love is risky.

This is how Ty writes it Love=Freedom=Risk.  

This concept seems so simple but honestly is very deep if you think about it.  It blew the lid off my jar of cranky complaints against God.  For it helped me see how an All Powerful  & LOVING God could have a world like ours, like Ty would say, "On His hands".  Pain exists because God will not force anyone to love Him.  

This brings me to my other thought.  As a medical professional I see  a lot of people with pain.  Nearly every person I see is suffering from pain and looking to me to help them get better.  Now is pain a bad thing? Well.... in some ways yes... but is pain always bad? No.  From the physical side of things pain can be a very good thing.  It warns the body something is wrong.  Pain saves lives many times! If you get a huge gash in your leg and you have no pain you could bleed out and die before you noticed enough to get help. 

Honestly, even emotional pain is a warning system that tells us something is wrong and we need help.  Even emotional pain can and will kill us from the inside out if we don't get help.  Pain in many ways is a gift and an opportunity to get the help we need to survive.  

Now looking at pain from a broader perspective gets a little harder.  We look at our world and see that their are innocent people being tortured, killed, displace from their homes, starving, living in war zones.  If we thought of the world like the human body, this would be warning signs that there is something majorly wrong. This world has a huge infection and needs help.  Are you following me?  Its true right?  Most of us would agree with this.  

So an all powerful God made this world and man, but because He is all loving as well, He gave freedom.  He was up front and told Adam and Eve there is a disease out there that will kill you.  "If you do this one thing you will be infected and die." But He didn't force them to stay in His love, He gave them freedom.  True to the all loving God He is. We know the story.... Adam and Eve chose to turn away from God and the horrible infection started for the whole of the human race, Sin.  

We are lovers of sin, but God knows this is fatal.  But He allowed freedom because He is a God of true love.  He restrains Himself from just vaporizing us, because He first loved us.  He longs to save us from our condition but He still has to allow freedom.  So He made a plan to cure our disease.  Jesus!

• John 3:16-17 - " For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him" NIV

So He personally sacrifices Himself!  This All powerful & All loving God permanently marries Himself to the Human race because He SO loves us.  And as pure love would do, is willing to die and take on the whole worlds infection to cure us!  And hopefully show us how much He loves us so we will chose to love Him and be saved!

This is the true message of the Gospel!  Why the Gospel is such Good News Right!!!  So in some ways we can begin to understand and believe that This all powerful God is truly All Loving and does hurt with everyone of us suffering on this planet, but also doesn't take all pain away because each person has choice.  Pain is an indication we need our savior and we live in a war zone. You cannot expect that your life will be peachy in a war zone. We have an infection each one of us.  But God does not force anyone to choose love over hate.  It is not love if it is by force.  So we have ones that chose love and ones that don't.  This is war.  We suffer and have pain.... but honestly in a way it is a gift because it lets us know something is wrong and we need to turn to Jesus!!!

Paul in his ministry talks about a thorn in his side and that he asks God 3 times to take it away.  God tells him this:

• 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 - "   But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." NIV

I look at this verse in a whole new light.  God says "No" to Paul 3 times in his hardship.  Are you feeling like that?  Are you having some major pain in your life and you are begging God to remove it?  God seems to be telling you "No" over and over?  Take courage!  Paul suffered the same!  God told him basically "Paul, I know this is hard for you but I will help you to endure this" "My grace is sufficient for you!"  "When you are feeling your worse and the world is pressing in and you feel totally weak and helpless, I will show my power to the world when you are at your weakest!"  He told Paul "your suffering is not in vain, and I will help you through, and reach many others through it"

Isn't that the truth so many times.  We are inspired and see the love and power of God when someone else that suffers way more than us witnesses for Jesus and finds ways to show the world Jesus love despite their disability or horrible abuse done to them or losing several loved ones to war.  Don't we look at them and realize in the deepest part of our hearts there HAS to be a Loving, powerful, and Amazing God out there if some can endure all that and still witness and do all they do despite all that has happened to them? I know I sure do! 

So in my search recently, I have to say and beg to point out that pain is relative.  And in many ways pain can be a gift to us and this human race.  I know some one reading this may want to punch me for saying that, especially if in the middle of major pain in life,  but I challenge you to really think about it.  God has the cure!  It isn't to remove all of pain in this world it is to surgically remove the cancer eating our souls. It Will be painful, we Will suffer, not because He wants us to.  Its about saving us spiritually and eternally from the inside out, not from the outside in.  Pain is relative, but doesn't ever have to be in vain.  Ultimately Christ suffered most so we could suffer less! Remember, God's grace is sufficient for you too! Take courage!

Disappointment: Great Expectations

So I do not have all the answers to disappointment. I think there are many things that we will not fully understand about God for probably a very long time. But I do think God gives us enough evidence to believe if we choose.  Therefore, I attempt to share some of the things recently that have helped me in my disappointment with God.  

My hook for falling into major disappointment with God is my great expectations.  I think God is mighty and powerful and I should be able to expect certain things from Him.  Now this is where things get sticky. Can we expect things from God?.... yes! Can we always be sure of what action God is going to do? .... No. This can become a real problem in discerning, and can quickly get me in trouble because I start to place God in a box, and start predicting what I think God will do or should do.  As if I know His will and plan in detail. 

When we are in pain and struggling with something big in our lives, we want to believe in a big God that will come to our rescue and sweep in and save us like we have read in so many books.  Even many Christian inspirational books are full of stories of miracles and amazing things that happen to people who have prayed and believed.  Their loved one was saved, or cancer cured, or recieved money right before a house was to be foreclosed.

I get caught not so much with earthly things lately but with spiritual things.  I am praying for someone and suddenly things get worse and they are doing worse and seem farther away from God than before I started praying.  Or I try to fast and pray to get closer to God and a veil seems to fall over me and I feel totally disconnected, worse off than when I started.  It's these things where I lose my way.

My thoughts are "God surely wants to save this person.  It has to be His will"  "God surely wants me to draw nearer to Him, this has to be in His will"  Now are these things true? Yes!

• 1 Timothy 2: 3-4 - "This is good, and pleases God our Savior, who wants all people to be saved and to come to a knowledge of the truth" NIV
• James 4:8 - "Come near to God and he will come near to you..." NIV

The problem comes when I take these promises and truths and think God must act a certain way, or I build up in my head the ways I feel He should show Himself and work miracles.  As I pray and do what I think I should then my expectations get bigger and bigger and I climb higher on the ladder that I have built.  My thoughts go from trusting God to trying to will God to do what I think He should. It is so subtle I don't even know I'm doing it sometimes.   Then when things don't work out the way I think, I go into major faith crisis. I go from anger, to blaming myself for not doing the right things, to having issues trusting God.  I think "Why won't God do for me or my love ones what he has done for others?"

What can we expect from God?

• He will never leave us. 
• He will work out things for our best. 
• He will give us the Holy Spirit freely.
• He will forgive us if we confess.
• He will finish the good work He started in us. 
• (I'm sure there are more you could add to the list)

Notice most of these have to do with the internal world and not external.  Even when the scripture says He works things out for good, we think we know what good is, but most of the time God is looking for eternal good not always what our version of good is.  God works in many ways but always with the eternal and spiritual in mind.  And a lot of the times, outside of our understanding as finite human beings.

So how do we as Christians believe in a messed up world and trust even when we have been greatly disappointed?  It is not easy sometimes.  When I was researching this topic the story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego came to my mind and what they told King Nebuchadnezzar.

• Daniel 3:17-18 - "If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us from Your Majesty’s hand. But even if he does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.”

This is some amazing faith!  They believed that God could totally save them if He wanted to, but they also knew that sometimes He doesn't.  They chose to believe anyway! They trusted that God knew the eternal outcome for good and the physical one was not the most important. They understood that this world is a war zone and with many unhappy endings as it would seem in our small human view.  But that God's view is much bigger and wider able to see the spiritual and eternal importance beyond.  They chose to cling to hope & trust rather than expect a certain outcome in the now.

So I guess for me I realize, in light of my disappointment, that I was building up great expectations and attaching them to my faith.  That somehow if these things don't work out, God is not who He says He is.  The devil loves to try and get us to believe this in our disappointment and pain. I realized I am putting God in a box and demanding He prove Himself to me, rather than trusting the hundreds of other things He has done in my life. I am not believing that no matter what things appear, He IS working things out for good spiritually and eternally beyond my view.

• 2 Corinthians 4:18 - "So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal" NIV

Great Expectations can get us in trouble but Great Hope (faith) trusts God is who He says He is and will work things out for Good for the spiritual and eternal of all His kids. We can expect God will do HIS thing NOT OUR thing, and one day we will get to see more why.

Disappointment

There are different times in our lives when we face storms.  Most of us now, are dealing with some small irritation or another and all of us have times where we feel like we are in a hurricane and no end seems in sight.  Sometimes it can feel like any form of help is a million miles away and God is silent, or absent.  

One of the things recently in my life that I am realizing very acutely is that I struggle with my expectations of God.  It is a tricky thing, because we are invited by God to believe and hold faith, but in our point of view at certain times, it seems like circumstances line up to just get worse and fall apart. Despite many hours or years of prayer and diligence God seems to be doing nothing, and more pain and suffering ensues.  These times can leave a huge sense of disappointment and questioning of God and God's character. 

Disappointment is:

the feeling of sadness or displeasure caused by the nonfulfillment of one's hopes or expectations.

So I read this and think "So it is better not to expect or hope for anything?"   In the middle of my storms especially the bad ones, I will sometimes say to God "So I'm not suppose to care?"  To be totally honest,  going through times of great disappointment, are the most fragile times and can be the most pivotal  moments in my relationship with God.

In my disappointment  I will usually want to scream something like "But I am suppose to expect something from you God aren't I?" 

It can be very hard to understand in the midst of pain what we can and can't expect. All through the Bible are amazing stories of God doing huge and mighty things.  We even now, have many books and stories of miracles God has done recently in peoples lives. This builds up huge expectations, and God calls us in the Bible to remember the great things He has done.  Over and over He tells the Israelites to remember how they were rescued from Egypt and brought to the promise land. And in the New Testament there is passage after passage reminding us to remember Jesus and all the mighty things He did.  

The other aspect that is hard to understand in the midst of pain, is that God doesn't always act every time in these huge and mighty ways.  And also there are many stories in the Bible that have this kind of thing too, where people waited years and years to see God's promises fulfilled.  Some never saw it fulfilled but believed anyways.  And still others were killed beheaded, hung upside down on a cross, or tortured without any intervention from God in our perspective.   

So one could vacillate endlessly back and forth about what to expect from God, and honestly lately I have been doing that very thing. I have felt the need to pray for specific things over the last few years and the more I have prayed over these things the worse the circumstances seem to get. For a while I comfort myself with the usual things we say as Christians "The devils is working as well", "Sometimes things have to get worse before it gets better", "God is in control" ..... etc.  You probably know a bunch more.  Don't get me wrong, these things are true, but to a person in pain and huge disappointment they can seem trite, and don't get to the heart of the matter.  Sometimes in our pain we need more.  

So over the next few posts, I would like to explore some tough questions that some of us as Christians have a hard time even uttering, but we all think sometimes.  Mainly, because being honest with ourselves and God is hugely important in a having a viable and growing relationship with God.  I would also input that God is big enough to handle ALL our questions and help us come out the other side stronger in our faith and with greater understanding of Him.  

I believe He longs for us to ask and probably wishes that some of us would get more honest about our doubts and questions about Him and really lay it out to Him so He could draw closer to us. 

• Isaiah 1:18 - "  “Come now, let us reason together, says the Lord: ...."ESV

 

Trust Me

My heart has been hurting a lot lately. There are times in each of our lives that we feel down or discouraged. I feel the pain of a couple of close people to me.  I identify with their suffering and questions.  I long to reach them but they barrier themselves up because of their pain or disappointment.  They can only see their pain they cannot see past it.

Boy do I identify with these feelings.  I have been several times in places where all I could see was my suffering.  I had no idea the damage my own suffering was causing to those around me.  Anyone that tired to help I would fight and argue with  because I was too afraid to let anyone touch that wounded part of me. But deep down I longed to be set free and be healed. 

I know what awful games the devil plays with our minds and even still I find myself getting stuck in these patterns of thinking starting to believe the lies he spins for us. "No one will understand you" "you'll never be good enough" "Everyone thinks you're crazy" "God loves them more than you" "If you tell them how you feel, they will leave you"

Ever heard those lines before?

My heart just aches for these loved ones and for the wake of destruction this kind of thinking is doing in their lives.  I have tried to talk with them but they still seem so stuck.  

So this last couple weeks I have just cried and cried over it. I long for God to step in and wake up their hearts to see His love and a way out.  But it seems that things just get worse and more people are getting hurt.  It seems as if all my prayers are in vain and nothing breaks through. 

It is hard in times like these for me to keep the faith.  I feel God saying to me just keep trusting me. I just want to say like David saying "How long oh Lord!"  But you know what I love about David... He was so honest about his feelings to God and just laid them at God's feet.  In the end he always found hope in His loving God. Psalms 13 is one of my favorites.

"How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and day after day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
 Look on me and answer, Lord my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death,
 and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,”
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
 But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
 I will sing the Lord ’s praise,
for he has been good to me" NIV

In some way God speaks to David and reminds him of all He had done  for David and says "Trust Me, Remember all the times I have been good to you, just trust me"  David remembers and says. Despite what I see and feel "I will trust in your unfailing love......for he has been good to me"

Psalms has a way of soothing my soul in rough times. It helps me to see I can be totally honest with God and tell Him how I feel.  I don't have to pretend with Him.   When I lay these burdens at His feet, He will lift me up and remind me to hang on and trust Him because of all He has done and His unfailing love.

Now my heart still hurts and I will keep longing for these loved ones,  but God reminds me that He has unfailing love not just for me but for my loved ones as well. That He has not forgotten my prayers or missed one tear I've cried. He gently whispers "Trust Me" " Remember what I've done in the past for you and trust me"

Many of you, I know struggle with much harder things than this. God see's everything we go through and His heart breaks too for the things sin does to us in this world. He longs for us to reach out to Him in everything with total honesty of heart. He knows He is the only one that can save us from this world of sin and pain.  He holds out His hand and says "trust me, I know it seems unbearable but trust me" "I am your hope and your salvation. My love is unfailing! I will lift you up!"

God knows that if we will chose to trust Him, we will have peace. If we chose to believe what He promises and has shown us over and over again in His actions of sacrifice and love, we can have peace!  It may not change the longing but now it can be cradled in hope in our loving God!

So this morning I'm reminded to lay this pain and fear for my loved ones down at God's feet. Reminded of my God's love for me i relax a little. I chose to trust Him, even as I type this entry and make this decision to believe in my God over what I feel and see, peace is washing over me. 

It is an interesting thing choice. Choice must come first sometimes before the peace.

So lay your heart out to God in your struggles, whatever they might be.  He sees you and hears you and so longs to draw close. He wants to give you hope in the midst of your suffering.  Reach to Him and know His unfailing love!  He has not forgotten you or hidden His face. Choose to trust Him and you will find peace.

Every Good Gift is for You!

This season is soooooooo busy, and for me,  this year is even more so because I'm driving farther to work than usual.  So this is  why I haven't blogged for a week or so.  But along with that, I have had a big storm in my life as well. 

Those of you that have read my blog from the beginning, know that there is a big rift in my family.  Two sides that, over something small, have been at odds for almost 2 years.  This makes the Holiday's harder for me being in the middle trying to be family to both sides.  This combined with a huge communication problem at work has consumed my thinking over the last week and a half.  

Sometimes when I get my head wrapped around some things, it is so hard to let go of them.  I'm a problem solver by nature and long for harmony, so I get trapped sometimes in circular thinking of conversations and words that could be said or things to do to bring back balance.  Sometimes they are good ideas and sometimes they are not because they come out of a place of anger and frustration. 

Both work and family things, I brought before God and asked for answers of what I should say or if I should say anything.  I desperately wanted God to write in the sky for me.  Now in saying this, whether I want to admit it or not at the moment, there is another part of me that secretly hopes God doesn't answer so I can do what I want to do.  However, in the past I have made that mistake and had everything blow up severely in my face and destroy relationships.  So I'm learning but the waiting is miserable sometimes and I start feeling that God has forgotten me.

I was feeling so much this way.  I wanted God's answer and to hear Him telling me the best way to go.  The work situation I kind of waited and then took over some. Part way through, I begged God to help.  It worked out but went rough.  And the family one,  God never gave me the green light to speak and I waited in agony feeling awful, trying to not loose faith in His love and desire to speak to me.  

Sometimes in situations like these I am so blinded!  He was speaking to me all along trying to show me He was there.  Someone that I rarely talk to texted me and told me they missed me, one of my pt.'s looked right at me and told me I was so pretty, others at church that I normally don't talk with that often, came to talk with me.  All these things, signs, God mobilizing the world around me to reach me in my pain.  Then last night, I learned the very family member I wanted to talk to was already making an effort to mend fences in the family!  Without any word or effort on my part, God working.

How easily I forget..... but I'm learning..... Every Good and Perfect Gift is from God!

•  James 1:17 - " Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows" NIV

Everyone that opens the door for you, everyone that smiles at you, everyone that lets you merge in crazy traffic, every flower, every hug, every warm bed and cup of coffee, heartwarming tune.....ALL of it!  Is God taking a moment to whisper He loves you and has not forgotten you!  

He does not say to us "I love you today..... but don't know about tomorrow"  He does not change in His affection for us!  The devil tries to make us believe those lies, with the struggles on this earth, but God does not change.  And Every Good Thing is a direct message of Love to YOU from Him!  He is Always Faithful! Even when answers don't seem clear, there are signs He is there.

So I hope this Christmas you will look around you and see with your heart how much God loves you and is telling YOU, through Every Good and Perfect Gift He gives you this season and always! 

God Bless :) 

And God Be Forever Praised for all He gives and has given!

Kori

Look, Ask, Believe!

Do you believe in the mighty power of God? I'm not talking about just the little things in the day like all the lights turn green on your way to work.  Although... those things are awesome! :)  I'm talking about the big stuff like healing the sick, stopping the sun, or a small pot of soup that feeds a thousand people.

This idea of God's power has been rolling around in my head lately.  I have been asking myself..."Do you really believe in the power of God?"  "Like part the waters, power of God?"  There is also this song on the radio that has been grabbing my attention lately.... Greater by Mercy Me.  There is one line that jumps out at me every time.

"And greater is the One living inside of me
Than he who is living in the world"

Now the song mainly talks about the battle to believe that God loves us and is bigger than our sin that tries to pull us down. It is a great message!  It stirred up more in me the question of something greater than just our sin.  I think it is easier for us as Christians to believe the message that God is greater in our internal world than our external world.  I know I fall into this thinking.  However, the Bible is full of story after story of how God showed His mighty power and intervened in real tangible external ways. 

I think as much as it is important to remember how God works in  our hearts, it is just as important to remember that God performs REAL LIFE miracles too.  It is easy to think to ourselves "That was in Bible times" " Or that happens only out in the mission field".  

There is so much pain in the world.  Sometimes things don't seem to work out for even the truly righteous God fearing people.   We start to lose faith in the mighty God we serve forgetting that He see's a bigger picture.  David talks about this in Psalms when he was struggling to believe.

•   Psalms 77:11-15 - " I will remember the deeds of the Lord;
  yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.
   I will consider all your works
  and meditate on all your mighty deeds.”
   Your ways, God, are holy.
  What god is as great as our God?
   You are the God who performs miracles;
  you display your power among the peoples.
   With your mighty arm you redeemed your people,
  the descendants of Jacob and Joseph" NIV

 This whole chapter in Psalms is a beautiful reminder of what to do when we struggle to believe that God is more powerful than anything we are facing and can Literally move mountains, part waters, and heal anyone of His choosing. 

I wonder sometimes why we don't see God's power more in our lives or in others lives? Maybe the real question is are we looking for it? Or have we become apathetic.  I know I am guilty of this a thousand times over.  

Now I know God isn't just some Jennie in a bottle to make all our wishes come true and we live in a sinful world. But I do believe that we miss out a lot more on God's power in our lives and all around us because we aren't looking.  We forget how truly and literally powerful our God is.  And some of us have given up all together asking God to do anything of real tangible nature because we struggle to believe. 

What would our lives and churches look like if we really asked and believed in the greatest power ever revealed to man and the universe?  What awesomeness would we see if we really with every fiber of our being believed in God's unsurpassed, supreme, matchless power?  Those words also apply to His love as well.  

Okay... So do you hear me?  Are you listening?  Do you understand the gravity of what this means?  

We have the greatest Hero of the Universe who is not only on our side, but loves us with a unfathomable unfailing love, AND has the power to extinguish or bring to life a solar system with one breath!!!!  He ALWAYS works for our good NO MATTER WHAT!!!! 

Are we looking, asking, or believing? Lets do what David did and remember what mighty amazing things God has done AND is DOING!  Lets see what looking, asking, and believing in our God can really do!

In His Arms

So I found this pic yesterday morning.  So comforting.  And as a kid this was my favorite Bible verse.  I think as a kid I felt that I was to be quite and not bother anyone.  And I loved the verse the first time I heard it, because it made it okay for me to come to Him without restriction.  In my adulthood so many things have caused that feeling of restriction to settle back in and make me feel like God is a million miles away when I feel bad.

My mom and dad never seemed to really understand when I felt bad about something.  Negative emotions were just not acceptable.  Even some of my extended family, most of the time, did not know what to do with a crying kid except punish them or guilt them into quit crying.  This definitely made its mark on me in not the best way.

I have been struggling to get back into a routine since vacation. I feel like a 3rd wheel a lot lately and without family time much, my heart is just hurting.  I'm sad and grieving some losses in my life and that old restriction starts to creep in.  It starts to make me feel like I'm stuck in a cage unable to talk anyone or God. 

It is natural to feel lonely or hurt because we are disappointed with where we are in life sometimes.  God always has His arms open wide.  Even if we don't always feel it, God is always by our side in our toughest struggles.

I went running the other night still in my grumpy mood.  I had been praying for several days that God would help me get out of my funk.  I was doing my cool down walking home and saw some dirt and some gravel in the path where the city is doing some side walk and street work.  I stopped and drew a smiley face in the dirt with my tennis shoe randomly, don't know really why.  Then it was almost like God just whispered in my ear "That's my girl!"

I know it is simple and may even seem a little silly.  But I really believe God takes little moments like these to whisper words of love to us and speak to our hearts when sometimes no one else can. In that moment I felt like all the barriers were removed and I could run to His arms again. Made me feel like the picture, safe in His arms. 

Really awesome reminder, and I've needed a lot lately. But the burden is lifting, and things are getting better. Nothing has really changing in my life, but my perspective changed.  My God fights for me and gives me just the right reminders at just the right times to help me keep my hope and faith in the darkness. 

We are always welcome in God's arms and presence even when we are feeling totally grumpy or down. 

• Romans 8:38-39 : "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,
   neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." NIV

Nothing can separate us! So no matter what state we are in  we can always look to Him and run into His arms of Love.  

  

Perspective is Everything!

So I'm finally back from my trip to visit my friend.  God is so good! I really needed the break and time to just be. 
I find it so interesting how even on vacation God speaks to us.  The whole trip seemed to have a theme.  Over and over again I was amazed at the idea of perspective in nature. 

This picture is for real!  I know it looks almost fake it is so beautiful.  This was the first hike I went on and I couldn't help myself, I started singing.  And yes for all those other musical lovers out there, it was from The Sound of Music. :) LOL  How can you look at such beauty and not want to sing!  I was also reminded of the song that has been on the radio more called Stronger.  Mainly because one refrain in the song is "Let your name be lifted higher, be lifted higher, be lifted higher!" And that is what I was doing singing and hiking higher and higher :) 

But then along the way I see beautiful little things like this.

Daisy's just make me smile.  They are like God's little smiley faces sprinkled all over the world to remind us of His love. :)  But a totally different perspective from the above picture. 

Again this idea of perspective just echoed over and over in my head.  I love traveling because it gives me a new view.  It open's my mind to new people and new things and helps me see things in a different way that I never thought before.  How we look at things and what things we choose to look at and study mold and shapes how we think and what things seem important to us.

Perspective is incredibly powerful and influential in all of our lives!  If we choose to look at the ground all the time we only see the grass, rocks, dirt, and flowers, which can be nice, but if we don't look up we miss the open blue sky and mountains, people, fields, and lakes. Vice versa, if we only stare at the sky or the mountains we miss all the beautiful details of the flowers and grass :) The more we look all around and take in everything around us, the better understanding we can have of ourselves, God, and the people around us.

Something else that impressed me on this trip was lenses.  Yes I said lenses :)  I have my phone and my camera.  My camera has a greater capacity to take wider range of pictures but its lens only captures one set light based on the setting.  My phone however, has this feature called HDR and mixes 3 different light settings to get a more natural light and perspective on the picture.  Which you can see in the mountain picture above. the sky was really bright that day and my regular camera could not capture the clouds be cause the light contrast was too great.  But my phone with HDR was able to get the whole scene and you can even make out the clouds in the sky over the mountains.

As well as perspective, the kind of lens we look at life with also effect how we see people, the world, and ourselves.  I know this first hand in my life. For a long time because of my hurt an pain, I could only see things through a darkened lens, I missed so much good things.  But now with God, things look totally different.  He opens my eyes and I see more and more of the His mercy, grace, and love and begin to see others in a whole new light. It's like going from black and white to 3D HD technicolor!  Yes even in the rocks and dirt of my life!

So after this trip, I am reminded how important perspective in all forms and lenses, can bring darkness and pain or bring health and life to our body, minds, and spirits.  The truth we seek is right before us, but it is how we look at it and what lens we choose that makes all the difference. The mountains and the sky still exist even if we only stare at the ground, the flowers and grass still exist even if we chose to only stare at the sky. Either view taken exclusively can warp us in the long haul, but taken together can create the beautifully harmony and view that makes our hearts sing for our Awesome Creator and share with others His love.

So perspective is everything! Chose God's lens in your life and see what wonderful and beautiful things He has place in between the rocks and dirt of your life.  Look up and dare to take in the solid mountain of strength and power and the blue sky full of grace and beauty for you!

• Psalms 36:5-9 : "Your love, Lord, reaches to the heavens, your faithfulness to the skies.
   Your righteousness is like the highest mountains,
  your justice like the great deep.
  You, Lord, preserve both people and animals.
   How priceless is your unfailing love, O God!
  People take refuge in the shadow of your wings.
   They feast on the abundance of your house;
  you give them drink from your river of delights.
   For with you is the fountain of life;
  in your light we see light" NIV

• Psalms 121:1-2 :  "I lift up my eyes to the mountains—where does my help come from?
   My help comes from the Lord,
  the Maker of heaven and earth" NIV

Of course now I have to put in a verse or 2 that fit so well. :)

So I hope this helps encourage you to try to take in a new perspective or change out your lens to be open to God and His view.  What have you got to lose?  More like think of all the beautiful things you have to Gain! :)
Perspective is everything! 

Run On Sisters, Run On!

Ok, so the extra fresh air I got on Sunday or the Mountain Dew I drank over the weekend must have zapped the rational side of my brain.  Yesterday, I signed up for the running part of a triathlon...... I know I'm crazy! Anyone that really knows me, knows I am NOT a runner.  In fact running is my least favorite of all activities. 

So I know myself well enough to know that if I was going to do this, I had to first commit and sign up, then tell all my friends so I cant back out without major humiliation. Done and Done.

I also knew that if I didn't go to the shoe store right after work and get the running shoes, I would find an excuse not to start as well.  So there was no supper, no detours, no collecting $200 dollars, or passing Go. :)   (for all you game lovers out there) I drove straight to the shoe place, that a runner friend of mine, told me to go.

Now why would I lose all sense of logical Kori reason :) and do this you ask? For my friend.  I'm going to visit her over seas later this summer and I have to be in shape.  She lives in a pretty mountainous country and she loves hiking.  So with the altitude difference she is already at an advantage even if she wasn't a very active sister. But of course, she is pretty active.  So if I plan on keeping up with her and enjoying our time more together, I need to kick it in gear.

I cannot seem to drag myself out to exercise by myself.  Even though I'm introverted, I am a social exerciser.  But this will force me to get out there. I have never been able to run over 2 miles in my life ever.  This race is 4.5 miles, so I have to get on a running program and stick with it or I will stink badly and again humiliate myself.

Therefore, Monday with one screw loose I agreed to this death sentence of physical misery :) LOL  And today, I ran my first day of the running program with this free app you can get for your phone called Couch to 5k.  Not too bad honestly, I thought it would be awful but it makes you run 60 sec then walk 90 secs to start, 5 min warm up and cool down.  I was sweating but not dying.  So I think if it continues to build slowly, I might just make it :)

God calls us to a race too.  Paul talks about it a lot in the new testament. 

• In Acts 20:24 he says: " However, I consider my life worth nothing to me; my only aim is to finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me —the task of testifying to the good news of God’s grace."

Isn't that our job as Christians too? We also know the race will not be easy and takes discipline, but if we keep our eyes on Jesus we will make it. 

• Hebrews 12:1-3 helps us understand as well: " Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart"

I like how it says "surrounded by a great cloud of witnesses"  It is like the running thing for me.  If I tell a big group of my friends then they not only hold me accountable to keep running but cheer me on.  It helps me to stay on task and make it easier to throw off distractions and things that try and steal my time and give me excuses to not stay on track.

The other part I like is where it says "fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of  faith" In my running if I keep my minds eye on being with my friend and hiking the trails with her, I can keep my focus.  The even better thing about God is that He gave us Jesus that ran the race before us to look to.  And not only that...... wait for it..... Jesus is the perfecter of our faith!  Meaning, He helps us to keep the faith and grow it so we can finish the race of shining His goodness and love to the world through any adversity!  Way Cool!

So I'm reminded despite my momentary lapse in judgement, this whole running thing may be very good indeed.  And not only physically, but mentally as well.  It will hone my determination and help me concur some mental barriers for me too.

What challenge are you up against?  Don't loose heart! Fix your eyes on Jesus!  He has gone before you!  He will help you run the race and grow your faith to perfection!  Run on Sisters, Run on!!!

Fathers, And the Best Dad Ever!

So Father's day is coming to an end. I would have to say in the realm of fathers it started out little rough this weekend and then ended much better.  As you might be able to tell from a few other of my posts my parents didn't have the greatest of relationship.  Part of that is because my dad was not the nicest person sometimes.  I love my dad and I wish him well, but I struggle to have any quality relationship with him because of this. 

I was invited over to someones house yesterday for lunch after church and because of Father's Day of course the topic of Dad's came up.  Ugh! I kind of hate it when that happens.  I never know what to say.  So I state the facts, my dad lives in another state, he wasn't very nice sometimes, and we don't really talk much.  Yesterday, was rough because it was the kids that asked about my Dad.  I want to be nice, but still honest, without ensuing more questions.  Just to let you know that is nearly impossible with kids :)

My Dad is a really a gifted person.  Growing up sometimes he had amazing insight.  Sometimes I hated that, especially as a teenager.  It seemed he could almost read my thoughts.  He can sing, play the piano, and the guitar. As a kid I remember he could be the life of the party, and super fun.  I have some good memories.  The best ones were when my brother and I were young.

The older I got, the harder it was for my dad to relate to people in a healthy way.  He had a few set backs in his job and then seemed to lose his purpose and focus.  The anger that had showed itself sometimes when we were kids, got worse and more destructive.  It hung over my dad like a cloud.  He could never seem to shake it and it slowly began to consume him. We had to walk very carefully trying not to set him off.

As an adult I can see more things that played into him being the way he was.  He was abused by his parents as a kid sometimes brutally without him even knowing what he did wrong.  Also losing his job and having the economy tank when it did had to be demoralizing for him.  A huge blow to his manhood as a provider for our family.  He never seemed to recover from that and just kept spiraling.

So was I hurt by him, yes.  The wounds are deep and have probably changed the course of my life to a certain extent.  I got to a point that i realized regular contact with him, wasn't healthy and was very dysfunctional. So I will write him short email for holiday's or birthdays but not much more than that. Over time I have forgiven him, and I wish him well. I long for him to find a way to break the emotional chains that lock him up and have twisted his thinking for so long.  

So at lunch after the questions, the kids were cool. They didn't dig too deep. 

Today was better.  Because God has blessed me with a great Step Dad that loves me.  He has done more for me than my own Father in many ways even though he didn't have to.  I was 22 years old when my mom got married to him.  But despite my age, he saved quarters for me for laundry, in film containers while I went to physical therapy school.  He did many other things and slowly but surely won me over.  I love him dearly. So today was better, because I got to spend time with him and my mom working in the yard together. Laughing and enjoying the great day outside.

I don't know what your Dad is like.  Maybe you have an amazing Dad that encourages you, protects you, and loves you dearly.  One that seeks out ways to show his love to you.  Others may have a story similar to mine or maybe way worse.  Even good Dad's falter and have caused hurt sometimes.

The great thing about God is that in many of our lives he has placed another great person or guy in your life that has taken time to love us, and show us what a real Dad should be.  And God himself repeated shows us in the Bible how much He loves us and wants to be that Father that we look to, love, and trust.  Sometimes that maybe hard to think about when our own Fathers have hurt us.  But even in my experience, I always had a dream of what a good Dad really was. 

Guess what?  God is that Dad! And the great thing about Him is He never fails, never forgets us, never forsakes, never freaks out. His strong steady hand calms, draws, soothes, protects, and heals.

• I John 3:1 says: "See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God." NIV
• Exodus 34: 6-7: "And he passed in front of Moses, proclaiming, “The Lord, the Lord, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness, maintaining love to thousands, and forgiving wickedness, rebellion and sin..."NIV

So we are his kids that He loves greatly, and He is a God that said directly to Moses, He is compassionate, gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness, maintaining love to thousands and forgiving!  Who of you need a Dad like that!  I sure do!

It may be a little scary to think about trusting God as a father if you haven't had one here on earth. I'm here to tell you, God is exactly who He says He is.  He is exactly the kind of Father you need!  For those of you that experience this Praise God! For those of you that struggle, dare to let Him be your Father!  I did. Best decision I ever made!  He is the Best Dad Ever!

Stuck? LOOK UP!

I have Lincoln roses in my back yard and they are so perfect and beautiful! Just thought I'd share.  I love the dark scarlet red and the fragrance is not overpowering.  Roses are not my favorite flower, but now growing them, they are climbing my flower chart.  They are pretty awesome despite the thorns. :)

So in my small group at church, we have been discussing Jeremiah.  The prophets in the old testament are interesting.  At first glance they seem crazy, when they preach, God seems strange and harsh.  However, if you look closer, you see how God is trying to save His people from their own destruction and how sin is eating them alive. He uses every means possible even symbolic crazy things to try and wake them up. He wants the people see His salvation if they will repent and turn from sin.

The comment was thrown out that we need to see our sin and realize we are total filthy rags, and only then are we able to really see God's salvation.  That started a whole line of talk, if we are worthless then what's the point etc.  Super depressing if we stop there at our sin. We LOOK worthless and no good.

I think as Christians and especially as women, we can  get caught up in seeing our sin, how filthy we are, and the state of our own selfish heart.  We forget God's salvation.  Are we sinful, yes. Do we still make mistakes, yes. Are we worthless, NO!

If we were worthless, Jesus would not have come down and died for us!  Being a medical person, I compare it to having a fatal illness.  Is the patient worthless because they are ill? Of course not!  And any medical staff would do everything to save that person. God made us, we can't be worthless. And He has and Will do ANYTHING  to save us!

I was reading Romans this morning.  Paul has such a way with words. He talks in Romans about how everyone has sinned and no one is perfect.  He shows how the law (the commandments) help us see our sin.  Like a mirror, shows us our filth and how sin is eating us to DEATH.  But how this can turn us to repent and accept Jesus to save us and give us LIFE!

Again even as Christians we can get hung up staring in the mirror looking at our sin, beating ourselves up, maybe even self condemning in front of others.   If we get stuck looking in the mirror, then we just continue to feed the beast of self.  We become ineffective wallowing in the mud feeling worthless.  Some of us even like being there, because we look like we are humble and meek and we may even get soft strokes from others for our decrepit state. But over time we are rendered useless animals in sheep's clothing.

Jesus says  "LOOK UP!"  "Look to me on the cross!"

Paul's words in Romans are so comforting!

• Romans 8:1-4  "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death. For what the law was powerless to do because it was weakened by the flesh, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh to be a sin offering. And so he condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the flesh but according to the Spirit." NIV

If we look up, ask forgiveness, and accept Jesus keeping our eyes focused on Him, there is no condemnation. The law is merely the mirror so we can see we need help and the arrow pointing to God. Jesus and the Cross is the bridge to CURE our fatal disease of sin.

One person said in the group that keeping our eyes on Jesus keeps us from getting stuck in ourselves and filthy state. I love that! And Hebrews, backs this up!

• Hebrews 12:1-2  "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." NIV

So yes we are filthy, nothing good comes out of us apart from God in our disease, but we are NOT worthless.  And Jesus blood saves us. Fixing our eyes on Him, gives us the freedom to let His blood wash over us daily, and help us run the race, effective in our faith, a serving witness to others!

So I looked at that flower this morning and what a beautiful parallel! That rose rises out of filth of the dirt, still covered in thorns, but every day it focuses on the sun, scarlet and perfect at every stage from bud to full bloom, a witness to it's creator.  We too can be the same as Christians! Washed in Jesus blood, we can rise from the filth of sin, and with our eyes focused on THE SON (Jesus), we can be a beautiful witness to our Creator, at every stage!

What things do you keep staring in the mirror at? Quit beating yourself up.  LOOK UP!  Focus on Jesus He will turn you into a beautiful witness for Him, radiant, free, and perfect at every stage!

Hang on! Your Redeemer Lives!

So the clouds get darker from multiple angles.  My family is going through yet another round of drama where loving communication and forgiveness is absent. More whirlwind of talk from friends  about their husbands, kids, and or new boyfriends gets a little tough to take all at once lately.  Couple things with my job little unsettling as well too.  The wind is getting stronger, and what is that country song... Oh yeah from Garth Brooks...(And) The Thunder Rolls :)

This is real life.  Sometimes you go through great times and then you go through junk, mud, swamps, deserts, and hurricanes or it feels like it :)  We all know about that.  Sometimes, we can't even see the hand in front of our faces it is so dark.  Everything in life is in an upheaval and there seems to be no way out and the enemy is closing in.  Might be all kinds of things from a vindictive boss, bill collectors, or even abandonment of close family member or friend.

Right now, I know that is hard to see. I may even still have days where I cry. But there is this thing in my heart that just KNOWS God is with me.  I don't know how to describe it.  It doesn't take away my struggles, it doesn't make the world a peachy place, but I just KNOW He is there and He loves me.  Even though every road sign right now is saying somethings else or maybe even maybe the opposite according to the world's way of thinking.

Is it hard to have faith at times like this? Yes! But what is faith? Faith is believing in the unseen. Faith is trusting when you can't see the outcome.  This family thing right now is especially hard, because there are kids involved and I really have no idea how long this will go on.  It could continue for way longer even years!  I have 2 choices, I can go "oh crap this is going to be awful" and shrivel up.  OR I can trust in the living God that has brought me through so much and say "I trust God's got it covered and He loves my family more than even I do"

I used to sit in church and people would bring up Job as this amazing example of someone that suffered so much and had amazing faith.  Then I would go through some tough times and read Job and think "Man God wasn't comforting at all! He just let this poor guy go through the worst things ever and then He just told him 'suck it up I'm God'"  But I was only looking at the story through cloudy eyes.  I totally missed Job's responses showing his faith and trust, and what a testament that was to what a loving and kind spirit God is.

• In Job 13:15 Job says: "Though he slay me, yet will I hope in him;" NIV

• Job 16:19-21 He says : " Even now my witness is in heaven; my advocate is on high.
   My intercessor is my friend
  as my eyes pour out tears to God;
   on behalf of a man he pleads with God
  as one pleads for a friend." NIV

• He says even more in Job 19:25: "I know that my redeemer lives, and that in the end he will stand on the earth." NIV

He even talks about his intimate friendship with God.  These words are not from a man that believes that God is cruel and mean and hates him, like a distant peon. These words are from a man that knows His loving, just, intercessor, and intimate friend.  He knows that no matter how bad it looks and what misery he must go through his God and Friend is totally trustworthy! He still struggles and still wants and answer for his pain, but above all, he KNOWS in his heart God loves him and is working things out in the ultimate end for his best.

Who says "yeah, even if he kills me I will hope in Him"  Do you have one friend or even family member on this planet that you trust that much? He knew even if he died and never saw his hope fulfilled in his life that in the eternal scheme of things His Redeemer Lives!

Now that is some kind of testimony! Don't you think? I pray so hard that any of you readying this KNOW God in your heart like this. That even like me or even like Job through Really rough times you can say "I choose to believe that MY REDEEMER LIVES!" and truly KNOW He loves you and that all this stuff is only momentary in the whole plan of salvation for You and the ones you love.

Tonight, I stepped out of my mom and step dad's house feeling the tension in the air behind me, and I saw a rainbow in the sky through the rain pouring down.  As if God is saying to me, "Hang in there Kid! I promise I am with you. I got this!" And His loving hand comforts my heart again this week.

It may be dark you may not be able to see your hand in front of your face, but God has not forgotten you! He see's your pain and struggles and will be with you through it all. Hang On for You Will KNOW your Redeemer lives!

Overcomers!

The battle rages on this week with me and food.  I promised to tell the truth.  The truth is I have had some victories this week and I have had some failures.  This is a war to keep me in bad habits that will cloud my mind and make me ineffective.  Feeling disconnected and lonely is what drives me to want to turn to food.

Again, for me being single is a struggle.  At 7 pm at night my friends are putting their kids to bed and spending quality time with their husbands.  I'm home alone.  Many nights I'm okay with that, but I have times where loneliness creeps in for a while.  Sometimes, I have weeks where I just can't seem to pull out of it.

The temptation is to eat bad to feel better, but that only makes me feel worse, which makes want to eat more etc.  A downward spiral.  I cannot lie, this week has been very hard.  I know eating bad also clouds my vision of God because I get tired and lethargic.  I will know that this will mess me up, I will even pray about it, but then instead of trusting God to help me at the last minute I will sometimes still deliberately do the opposite and eat anyways. It is a real stronghold in my life.  Habits that are so ingrained they have a significant addictive hold.

How do I overcome this?  I know it has to come through God.  After all God has done in my life why do I struggle so hard to give these things up to Him?  Like any relationship, its a growing process.  Do you initially and immediately 100%  trust and give up your whole self and secrets to another person? Some of us might say yes, but if we really think about it, in the deep recesses of our soul, we don't really.  It takes time, spending time with that person to feel you can truly trust them with the inner most dark secrets of yourself.

It is the same with God.  We initially see God work and move in our lives in a mighty way and feel like we give ourselves over 100% to Him as a Christian.  He works in our lives and we feel good because He helps us with the small battles and sin.  As we spend time with Him we learn to trust Him more.

But then the devil begins to notice that we are changing and headed in a direction we could really be fruitful. He starts pulling out the big guns against us.  He drags out the big ugly sins that we really like to pretend don't exist, the ones we just can't seem to shake.

So this is going to be a hard one for me.  It is really an addiction. I like numbing out with food.  But I know in the long haul it will destroy my health and keep me in a haze not being able to really see or hear God to really live out my potential and the plans God has for me.  God is trying to help me give it up and let Him be the only thing I look for when I'm feeling down or lonely. Rather than making food or anything else my idol.

I love this verse in I Corinthians 4:7-10

•  "But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all- surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body" NIV

It says that because we give our lives to God,  we will be pressed from every side, we may even be knocked down, but with keeping our faces to God, we will NOT be crushed or destroyed.  We are OVER-COMERS in Jesus!

Jesus warns His disciples that they will have trouble also in John 16:33.

•   “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." NIV

Isn't that a great promise!  This lifts me up this morning even in my fatigue and feelings of failure this week.  Why? Because My God Has Already OVERCOME for me and He will help me in my trouble with this.

What do you struggle to break free from in your life?  What addictions or things keep you stuck and lost struggling to see God? What do you have trouble trusting God with?

You are not alone!  Lets remember together, Jesus has OVERCOME the world and the devil, and He will help us too!  We died in Him and we are born again to share in His victory over this world and schemes of the devil.

We Are OVER-COMERS in JESUS! 

Wait! Take Heart!

God is so Good! He gives me encouragement and helps me when I struggle! Yesterday was a tough day for me.  Not because the day itself was bad.  I didn't have any unwieldy patient, oh wait, I did, they laughed at me and told me not to sing but in the end we were friends. lol : ) Sometimes the ornery unwieldy ones are the best! But  overall there wasn't anything major that happened.  Just waiting on God is hard.

After, talking about God to a friend on Thursday, and things hanging in the balance not looking the best, I just struggled.  I long to have them know the love and the peace God can give in their situation.

Something, that I am learning very acutely with family relationships, is that when I chose to act, it has to come from a place of love, not of fear.  If I act in fear, when something happens, it will not go well and cause more destruction pouring gasoline on the fire.

Waiting on God is probably one of the hardest things for me.  Like I have said before, I'm a get up and go type of person. If something needs to get done many times, I'm like "let do this"  and I don't waste time and its done.  But God knows that timing matters! Like a a beautiful symphony.  If all the instruments played at once it would be a garbled mess.  The timing is everything!

So I waited yesterday and even now I wait and who knows how long I may still wait. Again faith is stepping forward even when you can't see the outcome.  I read this great Bible verse this morning that lifted me up and encourage me.  Luke 12:8

• “I tell you, whoever publicly acknowledges me before others, the Son of Man will also acknowledge before the angels of God"

It's like God is saying "It's okay you acknowledged me before another, that is what you are suppose to do, it will be okay"  So my God is so Good! He walks with me even through the unknown, and reminds me I am on the path with Him.  This means it will be okay no matter what.  We all need those reminders sometimes.

David encourage us in Psalms too about waiting.
It so beautiful and totally applies!
Psalms 27:13-14

• "I remain confident of this:
  I will see the goodness of the Lord
  in the land of the living.
   Wait for the Lord;
  be strong and take heart
  and wait for the Lord" NIV

God always know how to lift me up and carry me when I am weak and feel like my faith is failing.  He lovingly and gently reminds me, He is with me and so I have nothing to fear.  Even when it is pitch black, the winds blow stronger, and things look bad He is with me.  Honestly, it looks bad right now, but so did Jesus death to the disciples. It looked liked their world was coming to and end, but really it was the most beautiful gift their savior could have done for them and the world.  Out of that death came a hope and chance for life for ALL!

What storms are raging in your life? What thing in you life is God asking you to wait and trust Him?  Are you getting tired, do you feel the wind is blowing harder and it is getting worse?  BE STRONG! TAKE HEART! For you will see the goodness of the Lord in the Land of the living! Wait, because what looks like the end, can really be the start of a beautiful beginning!  

Not by Fear or by Sight, Only Faith

Right now there is so much on my mind.  I feel like God is trying to grow me in certain areas of my life and I'm hesitant or I totally want to push forward but don't know how and afraid of messing things up. When God said Go and make disciples that means talk to people and tell them about God.  With other Christians that comes easier but with non-Christians it is way harder.

Now I don't go around shoving God down peoples throats that's no way to share Jesus. But when something comes up in conversation with a non-Christian friend, to know what to do is the hard part for me.  I wish there was this bottle I could pour my experience or God's love or whatever it would take for someone to see God in it.  That way when people start talking to me about problems in their lives and struggles they face, I could just hand them the bottle and say "Drink this, this is the answer!" And they would instantly know God in their hearts.  Doesn't work that way though.  It is probably good, because we would take the experience of finding God for ourselves for granted.  It wouldn't be personal anymore.

It breaks my heart sometimes though watching others struggle when they don't have to, or go down a road that you know will only bring them more pain. 

Sometimes, when someone doesn't know much about God, it is hard to just say "Turn to God, or Have you thought about God?" Our society in some ways can be very skeptical and sarcastic about God.  And depending on the person, if brought up too soon, they can slam the door of friendship in your face.

So what do we do?  I do believe that God can show us when the time is right to share, through different signs if we are tuned in to Him.  Sometimes, people will prompt us to talk about it because of how we live life with Jesus, and that is easier too.  I do think there are times though when we feel a nudge from God and a door looks open and we have to step out in faith and trust that whatever happens God is with us.  Honestly, I am struggling with that right now. I promised in this blog I would be real, so I thought I'd just lay that out there. I stepped out in faith and I'm not sure what will come out of it. But i have to trust that God will work and is working even if things don't look promising right now.

2nd Corinthians 5:7 Says:  "For we live by faith, not by sight" NIV

I also love this song by Out Of The Grey: Walk by Faith

• I'm gonna walk by faith, not by sight
  'Cause I can't see straight in the broad daylight
  I'm gonna walk by faith, not by fear
  'Cause I believe in the One who brought me here

 I chose to trust that God's got my back and that it wasn't by coincidence that there was a conversation about Him. If God can part the red sea and change my heart He can move mountains in anyone's heart.

What is God asking you to step out in faith about? How can you live by Faith more in your life?  Let's remember together to walk by faith not by sight or fear or anything else, just believing in the loving father that brought us to know Him.

Peace Beyond Understanding

One of my favorite verses is Philippians 4: 6-7

• Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus 

It's such a great promise!

I have always been an anxious sort.  I'm a perfectionist, people pleasing, type A.  I'm a perceiving and sensitive person to a fault.  My environment always effects me. Because of this I'm always trying to feel out what is going on around me to prevent conflict or control the environmental factors to stay at peace in myself.  Talk about impossible! And the perfectionist, dials up the anxiety to a whole other level.

The reason this experience with God has changed me so drastically is because I have PEACE.  All the time kind of peace, through Anything.  This is unheard of for a person like me. You could ask 3 decades of people who knew me or know me and they would vouch, that I am, or was, easily agitated and very effected by my surroundings. Even my mother would say I came into the world stressed, because I had colic for 3 months. I'm honestly surprised I'm still here after how my mom describes the sleepless nights and my inconsolable screaming for hours.  :)

After that morning in Dec., my heart is at rest! Even through the bad stuff.  I never had the confidence to share Jesus with anyone before this, because I couldn't figure out why my life as a Christian was any different from anyone else in the world trying to do good.  "So what? I believe in God... is that any different from believing in Santa Clause or Fairy God Mother?" I thought.   But I didn't really believe.... I didn't trust that this God really loved me and was who He said He was.  That morning, I dared to believe He really was a God that loved me and had the power to save me!

Now I have something to share!  Now I get it!  The switch in my heart has been flipped! I now know why true Christians are different!  There are so ways, but the one that made the difference for me was Peace Beyond Understanding.

And I hope you realize that it has been a bit of time from that Dec. 2012 morning.  And I am pleased to report, this peace lives on in my heart EVERY DAY! Yes I said EVERY DAY! For any of you anxious type A sisters out there, you know what a miracle that is! Its like spending your whole life trying to breath with a paper bag over your head and then suddenly its removed and you can Breath!

Obviously my life is not perfect and I still get sad about things in my life, but I'm not afraid anymore.  As long as I turn my face to God every day, peace lives on.

This has been tested in a huge way over the last year.  I was starting a life of prayer, praying every day for my family.  And shortly after, a huge family fight broke out between my folks and my brother.  It started a family rift that has been going on for over a year.

We live in the same neighborhood. I live up the street from my brother, and my folks live one street over. So there is no escaping this. My family is small.  They are all I have.  As a single chick with a small family, this kind of thing hits way hard.  We were pretty tight knit. Grandparents taking kids to church and helping kids go to school and babysitting 1 to several day's in the week.  Suddenly came to a screeching halt and major conflict.

It has gotten to the point that my folks don't go to church to avoid the kids and not upset my brother, and my brother forbids the kids to talk to their grandparents.

Normally I would be in shambles, my family is everything to me. But I have peace.  It has made me press into God hard, but I know He is working.  With new eyes I see His hand removing  generations of bad communication and abuse from our family.  It looks bad from the outside, but if God can change my anxious heart He can save my family.  It is forcing all of us to rethink what is really important.  And I still have peace.

God has carried me through some of the most difficult times through this whole thing. There has been moments I thought I was going to be excommunicated from one side or the other  due to me trying to keep bringing the kids to church.  But my loving God carries me and is pulling my family to Him through this experience.  I still have peace.

After He is crucified and raised from the dead, Jesus Says to His disciples, showing Himself to them for the first time.  "Peace be with you!"  John 20:19  He says it twice actually, and the breaths the Holy Spirit on them so they can tell and show the world His great love!

So this single girl, is telling you, whoever you are, on this day of Jesus Resurrection, You can have Peace! Real Peace beyond your understanding EVERY DAY!  The kind that sets you free from anxiety and fear and gives you new breath, (the Holy Spirit), from God! Even in the most trying times. You can have a New Life Full Of Peace!  Don't we all need that?

Smoke and Mirrors, and a SuperHero

So God broke the hinge right off the door of my single chick cage and rushed in and saved me! Like a superhero!  .... He saved me from myself and the twisted thoughts, smoke and mirrors, the devil was using to make me think I was useless, hopeless, and that it was all God's fault or mine.

God only rushes in when we give him permission.  He will stand at the door of our hearts and knock, sing, talk to us, and even shove notes under the door to try and show us some glimpse of Himself.  But a lot of times the devil keep us distracted and uses all kind of things to warp our view of who God is and who we are.

That year after my best and last friend got married,  I cried, and cried, and cried....... and Cried over and over. I felt so left behind. As a girl in your 30's, if you want the dream of husband and family, you start counting off the years you might have left.  I tried not to be THAT girl, the one that is always worried about the bio-clock, but it's hard not to when you are so longing for companionship and the joy of kids.

God Bless my friend she knew under the surface I was struggling, and she would just barely say something about it and I'd burst into tears.  Deep down my heart was breaking, time was winding out, and the pain was nearly unbearable.  I was reaching my boiling point. 

I would go to work listless, no purpose, feeling burnt out.  Now I am a health care provider and see patients all day. I enjoy my job and want to do good, be professional, and helpful.  But this pain and anger was starting to come out in ugly ways with my patients and co-workers.  I was very thoughtless and mean.  I had one patient walk out on me because I was so rude and so totally focused on myself and my own inconvenience and stress of the day.  I was turning into someone I swore I'd never be.

To add to it we had 2 deaths in our family and my dad was hospitalized and fighting to live. The perfect storm was brewing and I was about to hit critical mass.  I felt like my life was imploding, every aspect of my life I held dear, every rug that I stood on that helped me feel good about myself was getting pulled out from under me.

So by end of the summer I had lost respect at my job, I was buried in grief, and was so angry I couldn't see straight.  The devil was continuing his game of smoke and mirrors, telling me "see I told you aren't good enough. You'll never be good enough. You can't even be cordial to your patients, you are getting in trouble at work.  If God really loved you He would give you what you want and keep these things from happening. You are going to loose everything, because you can't keep it together and God doesn't care."

That was not what was happening at all.... We build these walls.... You know what I'm talking about.... you know the ones that try and protect us from Aunt Mable chewing us out over our boyfriend or job. The ones that protect us from some overly critical person at church, a cranky co-worker, or thoughtless neighbor. The walls that help hide our insecurities and fears and make us feel important. The thing is, we, through sin and our fear, make our own prisons brick by brick as the devil slaps on the mortar with glee.

God was breaking down my fortress,  because He knew I was getting close to hearing Him and saying "Help, I give up, Save me" and then He could bust in and be my Savior! Shining cape and all :)

This experience has helped me see so much of the negative things we think about ourselves and others are totally smoke and mirrors.  The devil is the master of illusion and he will do anything to keep us from seeing the truth of our loving, ever ready to save us God.  This revelation was very powerful.  It made me realize all this crap about myself and God I was buying into is all lies!  Everything good comes from God.  Everything else is from the devil and sin.... Smoke and Mirrors.  When you know this in your heart the devil loses His power and God can rush in!

So God broke the hinge right off the door of my single chick cage and rushed in and saved me! Like a superhero! 

The Single Part

So being single is where I start because this is the hinge of this change in me....
I am nearly 40  and since I was little I always dreamed of the day I would find the man of my dreams and have kids.  I have never been the career driven girl. I thought I was doing all the right things to be good, please your family, get good grades.... check, check, check.

This drove my life.  I thought if I got the right combination then God would give me the good stuff.... my Cinderella story.  After all this is America right? I didn't need a fancy house or lots of money just a great guy and nice family and if God saw fit a picket fence maybe a dog and definitely a cat :)

For years, I kept up hope and just thought to myself "there must be something wrong with me".  So I diligently went about trying to fix myself somehow. I went to counselor  after counselor and tried through religion to "get it right"  I'm a get things done kind a girl. If I decide it needs to get done, I hunker down and go full throttle. :) Kind of like my mom's side of the family they come from sturdy Norwegian stock with a dash of German. You know those Farmer types.  Need I say more.... :) I think they coined the phrase "Day light's a burning"  Hence we are like tall, blue eyed, bulldozers with 2 speeds off and 90 mph :)

I laugh, but sometimes this way of thinking is very caustic. Don't get me wrong it is a good trait to have for lots of things in life, but used in the wrong context, it can be beyond toxic.  It was for me.   I was getting to the point I was vacillating between emotionally self flogging, to shaking my fist a God for holding out on me. I sat around an watched year after year friend after friend get married and then kids and I felt like the train is leaving and I'm not on it! Like a bad dream where you try to run or yell and you can't.  Somehow you are tied down or feet are full of lead or your mouth won't move.

Couple years ago my dearest best friend finally tied the knot. She was the last of my friends that was single and I felt like maybe she might be like me and we would hang tough together.  Not that I didn't want her to get married but we were both well into our 30's and figured chances were getting smaller, that maybe at least someone would be stuck in my corner with me. Then she found him..... the minute I met him, I knew he was the one for her.  And when they got married my anger with God reached a level only dog's could hear.
I put on a good face for my friend, but inside my pot of emotions just got flipped to high and I would soon boil over.

Only God knows how to take us to the breaking point without crushing us.  In my narrow vision I could only see how everyone else was getting what I so desperately wanted and honestly what I thought I deserved! I was fixing myself really hard! that should count for something Right?! God knows all about my hunkering death grips on things. He knows that sometimes the only way I'll stop and listen is to turn up the temperature till it is too painful to hold on anymore.

It was super painful and the scar still hurts sometimes, but it was soooooooooooo worth it to let go!  So one dark morning on in the parking lot at work in Dec. 2012, I let go..... I told God "I give up..... You say you love me just as I am, I don't have to fix myself, you will heal me.  I believe and give up!"  Then peace washed over me!

So if you are relating, I'm the chick on the other side of this lonely pile of trash or tunnel or whatever place you're at.  Let go! That death grip will bring just that.... Death.... to every good healthy thing in your heart and it will poison you for the rest of your life.  It will destroy everything you care about and Take You Down.  This is what the devil wants.  Don't let him win. Let Go! and find our Beautiful Savior and peace!