Belonging

Here is another pic from my vacation.  :) Beautiful town next to the lake and mountains! Sorry for my feet in the corner :)  I kind of got on this habit of taking pics of my feet on vacation. I don't know whether it is because it gives a sense of someone relaxing in this beautiful view or if it is me trying to convince myself that I belong here in this landscape.

This trip was so fun! I enjoyed the time with my friend immensely! Looking at this picture is wonderful, but also speaks to me a little about my sense of belonging.

I know it may not be the perfect thing to say, but I really struggle with a sense of belonging.  And as a single this can get more acute with age.  As friends find spouses, have kids, and move forward to different stages in their lives, it can feel like that sense of belonging melts away.  With my family still at odds with each other, for me, this intensifies this feeling.

Sometimes, I feel I am always the one looking in on others lives.  Like I'm looking in windows at Christmas time. Everyone is inside enjoying the warmth and connection with belonging, and I am stuck outside.  I'm invited in sometimes, but I still don't live there, I still have to walk home in the cold.

Yes, yes... that was very sad and full of self pity.  I promised to be honest.  I do feel this way sometimes.  I have my days where I feel good and it doesn't bother me and days where it really gets me down.  I wouldn't be human if I didn't feel some struggle and sadness in this sinful world.  I am finding more connection here and there and God blesses. But it is still a part of being single that can really hurt sometimes.

Coming back from such a great trip, where I'm with my dearest friend, that is like a sister to me, I always have a little after vacation blues.  We have such a great time and she feels like family.  For that space and time, I belong.  Then reality of life sets in and I'm thrust back out into the cold breezes of the trials in my life and its hard not to get stuck feeling sorry for myself.

The thing is, I know my loving God. He sees my pain and knows what it is like to be alone, and rejected even by His own people. In the book of Mark right after He calls the 12 disciples, His family comes to take Him away and says He is crazy.  And in Luke 4, His town and His church/synagogue rejects Him and wants to kill Him. Then even His disciples the night before His arrest can't even stay awake in His time of need and proceed the next day to scatter and deny Him.

No I am by no means Jesus, I'm just saying, He understands way more than I give Him credit for.  In fact, compared to Him, I have it pretty good.  I'm not condemned for feeling bad sometimes, God understands, and He gives us what we need to make it through.  It may not be in the way we want, but He always makes a way for us to find comfort in Him.

This pain helps me see others in the same boat and draws me to reach out and hopeful encourage someone else dealing with the same feelings.  This pain helps me seek God more with all my heart and lean on Him. It allows Him to pour is love out into my heart to heal me and in turn pour that love out to others.

This weekend has been hard, and a little lonely, my family is out doing their own things this weekend.  But one of my friends a few nights ago spontaneously wanted to go to dinner with me, church member wanted to pray with me, and I got to talk to my sweet friend from overseas who greatly loves and encourages me in this single walk I have been given in this time of my life.  She loves me even when I sit and cry through half our skype time. :)

So yeah, I struggle to feel like I belong, but it gets easier as I let God in and look to Him to define my life.  He has given me so many beautiful people and things in my life to be thankful for.  The devil wants me to get stuck believing I'm no good and I don't belong.  But God reminds me through my friends and His word, that I do belong in His family, He has a plan for me, and He sees my pain.

• 1 John 3:1 : " See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! ..." NIV

• Hebrew 4:15-16 : " For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are —yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need" NIV

• Jeremiah 29: 11-13: " For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart" NIV

This is the truth I focus on, in and through my tears.  I will in the power of my loving God, look the devil in the face and say "Get behind me, I am a child of God, I will not believe your lies!" And peace washes over.

Take hope my single friends! We are not forgotten! Even though the road is not easy and it is really hard sometimes.  God see's our pain and reminds us He loves and has a plan for us.  Don't give in to believing  you are worthless and left behind.  Each one of us is worth one whole Jesus! We are His kids and He will help each one of us in our time of need if we just keep our eyes on Him.  

So maybe my shoes do belong in the picture :) and yours too! Hugs

Praise in the Darkness!

Recently one of my friends made a comment to me that made me think about how I first starting reading the Bible.  The background was I was 11 years old and my mom told me that she and my dad were separating.  I was so torn up by this.  I remember wandering the house so angry that God would let this happen to my family.  I couldn't understand why my parents didn't care about each other.

I needed someone to talk to then and I found a teacher at school that I confided in. She pointed me toward God and reading the Bible for comfort. She told me to start in psalms.

So I started reading in Psalms and almost instantly connected with the words of David.  It was like he was reading my thoughts.  It gave my pain voice.  I was always amazed at how David through all the struggles he went through, still praised God.  He was always honest with God, sometimes brutally honest about his feelings, but in the Psalms he always turns his face toward God at the end and verbalizes his trust.

There are so many great Psalms it is hard to pick favorites, but some of mine are:

Psalms 13

How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and day after day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?

Look on me and answer, Lord my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death,
 and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,”
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
 I will sing the Lord ’s praise,
for he has been good to me

Psalms 27:1

The Lord is my light and my salvation —
whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the stronghold of my life—
of whom shall I be afraid?

Psalms 27:13-14

I remain confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord
in the land of the living.

Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord

Psalms 34:18

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit

Psalms 42:5

Why, my soul, are you downcast?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.

Psalms 46:1-3

God is our refuge and strength,
an ever- present help in trouble.
 Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
 though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their surging.

There are so many other great ones. I can't begin to list them all. David understood that in the deepest darkness that God was still Real, Loving, and Present in his life.  He understood the true nature and heart of God even through his tears and pain.   

A sermon lately struck me with the idea of sacrifice of praise.  You don't think of praise as a sacrifice.  But you know, that is exactly what David did throughout his life.  The Bible even has a verse on it. 

• Hebrew 13:15 : "Through Jesus, therefore, let us continually offer to God a sacrifice of praise—the fruit of lips that openly profess his name." NIV

So Faith is trusting when we can't see, Darkness.  And by trusting God we are able to give a sacrifice of praise, Lifting God Up, even in the darkness... even through our tears.  Little  did I know the full concept of this at 11 and 12 when I started reading these verses, but now through this even greater family trial, it holds so much more depth and comfort to me.

So many around me also suffer from darkness in their lives, and I'm sure many of you reading this do as well. But lets lift our eyes and see God's goodness in His word and remember all the times He has lifted us up.  So in our darkness we can keep the faith, find our hope, and give sacrifices of praise to our God of unfailing, everlasting, love.  No darkness lasts forever.  Let God's light and hope pour into your heart through your darkness now.  You'll never regret it.

My Red Sea, My Mighty God!

Sorry it has been so long since my last post.  This week has been busy. It has also been really emotionally trying for me.

My family situation has gotten worse.  There may be divorce on the table for one side of this drama, and the other side has talked about it.  There are kids involved in this and it is becoming very heart breaking.  My family lives only a few houses down from me and one street over.  This is close and personal and the only close family I have.  I feel helpless to know what to do to help them reconcile.

My heart has been definitely hurting this week for them.  It seems like there is no end to this nightmare and destruction. 

In storms like this, all the things around you are telling you that that this situation is hopeless, God is not there, He doesn't care because things are getting worse, etc.  Sound like someone we know?  The devil right? The more I draw closer to God and find His love and peace in my heart the more the devil hates it.  The more he wants to make me believe everything is hopeless and God isn't who He says He is.  What better way to attack me as a single girl with a small family?

The devil is going for the jugular.  He knows my family is my major love and refuge being a single, especially since we live houses from each other. It is a down right war on the dearest people to me in this world.  Everyone has something or someone they love the most, and he is going to throw up those smoke and mirrors to try and make me believe the worst and give up on God. 

This all started with my heart change with God.  I started praying  for a family member to have the ability to come to a women's retreat.  I prayed for 3 months and they came and were blessed.  That very night after she came home, this fight broke out in my family. 

It was like devil knew I was trying to help my family member see God and he declared war.  Every step I have taken to try and show God's love to them, the heat is dialed up and another thing is added to this mess.  I am getting more and more bold about talking about God to my family and here we go again.  With my human eyes, I only see destruction and a totally impossible situation. 

The disciples with their human eyes could only see the same thing when Jesus was crucified.  They thought the world as they knew it was coming to an end and all was lost.  Honestly,  it feels this way to me with my family. But you know, if I turn my eyes toward God, He helps me remember all the times He has worked miracles in impossible situations throughout history and in my life. 

The disciples were beside themselves with grief over Jesus death.  How does someone come back from the dead?  Not even death can stop our loving God!  And on the 3rd day He rose and made it possible for the world to be saved!  What looked like the end became the greatest story of redemption and love known to man and the universe!

So couple mornings ago my heart is in despair.  I had just the night before learned all this new stuff going on and I felt sick to my stomach.  Through my tears I'm asking God why, why another level of darkness and more destruction.  Like David in the Psalms "How Much Longer God!" 

That morning I was reading the story of Moses and Israelites at the Red Sea.  They had been slaves for 400+ years, afraid of the Egyptians, and rightly so.  They finally get the courage to believe this 80 year old wild man Moses from the sticks to run from Egypt, and now they are boxed in at the Red Sea with the Egyptian army hot on their trail.  I can understand how they began to doubt and feel they were to going to die right there at the Egyptians hand.  Then God speaks up in their fright, through Moses.

•   Exodus 14:13-14: "Moses answered the people, “Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.” NIV

The last part just hit me and comfort and peace poured into my heart.  I got my God goggles on again! My loving God will fight for me and my family!  I need only to be still! What comfort!  God always knows hows to pour out His mercy and love at just the right time.  He is telling me, "Don't worry, I know things look bad, I know your family is hurting and scared, but I AM NOT DONE YET.  I WILL FIGHT FOR YOU!  Be still, I got this!"

This is the love and faith I am talking about!!! This is the Awesome God I serve!  This is the difference between being a Christ follower and being someone that just does good things but doesn't believe in Jesus.  The Christian, has comfort, peace, and hope, Even when things look Horrible!  The person that is just doing good only does it when things are going good and they feel like it.  They are destroyed in spirit when life kicks up and bad things starts happening.  They are swept away by grief and the cares of the world.  The Christian has hope and can stand even in the worst storms! Not on their own, but by the power and love of our Mighty God!

So yesterday when I'm running and I make 2.3 miles straight, I'm singing and praising God in my heart for all the comfort and promise He gives in the storm I'm in, up against my Red Sea.  I still cry over the pain this is causing to the ones I love, but I am not afraid of the outcome.  My God fights, and He has already won! He will not give up on my family! He will fight till every heart has a chance to chose Him and see His love and Glory! 

Don't you want someone to fight for you?  Are you in a huge mess up against your own Red Sea?  Call out to God, Give him your heart, turn over all you cares to him, seek His face!  He WILL FIGHT FOR YOU! You need only to be still and surrender. The war is won! YES, He Loves you that much!

Crumbs and Casting

Being single was hard for me today.  It started out okay but then I started to go through some old photo's of my brother and family when we were kids.  I didn't feel it right away, it just slowly ate at me all day. Then I went to this group I go to 2 times a month, things started to unravel for me.

The group is called Missional Community, and it was fine, I love it . It is a group of christian people in a neighborhood that come together, study the Bible, and focus on service to the community in some way.  Examples, are going to sing at the nursing home, collecting clothes for women's shelter, or bagging food for hungry kids in to take home for weekend. Being with everyone tonight just got to me a little as far as family.

Everyone there, is married with kids. And when I say kids, I mean TON's of kids there is easy more kids than adults and the adults average about 15.  Most times I'm fine, I think tonight after looking at the family pics, subconsciously  it was getting to me that my family is in a big fight right now, and I don't have family of my own. (husband and kids)

Hence, my singleness got to me.  So cried on the way home just cause I long for my family to be healed and for just wishing for connection in this way.  Sometimes, I feel like I get the crumbs.  As a single I long for connection with others, but usually it is what is left after kids and spouses.  And rightly so, but it is hard because a single doesn't come first much to anyone.

I don't need to be the center of attention and neither do I want to be. But I do need connection in more than just a surface way as all singles do. God is this for me most times, but it it is still normal feel this way and important to acknowledge our sadness and hurt.  It opens the door for God to come in and heal us and speak into our hearts His unfailing love.

So yes I cried and am sad for circumstances now in my life, but on my way home the rain seemed to soothe me and God began gently comforting this hurting girl's heart.

1 Peter 5:7 says:
 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

I know God loves me and wants good things for me. So I cast my struggles on Him. As I get ready for bed restfulness and peace come back over me and I feel His gentle hand calming my heart.  I love my God!
He can do the same for you. Will you let Him in?